stepping out of my comfort zone

Just halfway through my second week of university now yet I’m already so overwhelmed with things. I don’t know if it’s still considered jetlag but I keep finding myself waking up in the early hours of the day and find it incredibly hard to fall back to sleep (although I do eventually exhaust myself from thinking – excessively, just Silah things really haha).

Only from these hours do I realise that I’m taking up things that’ll definitely, extremely, absolutely (and the superlative list goes on and on…) push me beyond my limits this year. First off, is obviously my final year project or dissertation, however you may call it. Meeting my supervisor made me realise how much I had underestimated how much time I’d need to spend on this, on top of my other modules (although they’re technically less demanding, based on their credit weighting – my dissertation makes up a third of my final year, and 20% of my whole degree, or somewhere along those lines, I can’t meth math).

And so began my late nights (haha who am I kidding, I only started last night) just reading through articles of previous research, trying to make sense of it as some date as far as about 40 years ago. All in preparation for not just my formal project proposal that I need to submit in three weeks, but also to include in my dissertation too. Coming from a social science undergraduate, hours of reading should already be second nature come third (and final, more so) year, but to be honest with you I try to avoid them as much as I can. So really, my growing reading list has done nothing but overwhelm me and it took every willpower to actually get me started.

Honestly, though, I don’t expect myself to just stay home in my little cave (I’m not much of a library person cause the pressure of having others working around me doesn’t do me good, haha) and just work, work, work, work, work much like that Rihanna/Fifth Harmony song. So yesterday, I found out news that’ll test my time management skills more than anything, which will hopefully help me get some time off or even save me from always being so overwhelmed with university stress. But more on that another time cause I feel like it deserves a separate post. Kind of daunting as it’ll be something kind of, sort of new to me, but it’s not the only thing I’d have to deal with for the first time this time round.

Like I said, there are things that’ll absolutely push me beyond my limits. Distance and time difference are probably my biggest enemies now, but I guess this time it’s a matter of learning to adapt, accept and the biggest challenge for my impatient self – to be patient. I know there will be days when this will try me, when this will feel a bit more difficult than usual, but I’d like to think that it’ll only make me stronger, one way or another.

I’m only going to be a better version of myself, and I can only achieve that by stepping out of my comfort zone.

to love and to be loved

I have to admit, I am a sucker for all things poems, ThoughtCatalog articles and the sort. And I wouldn’t deny that reading really does change your perspective.

I’ve always been led to believe that we have to get the love that we deserve. At one point, I’ve heard so many “you deserve better”s, or “you deserve so much more than that”s that I’m too convinced to a point where I don’t even know what I deserve. That at one point I felt like I was too good for anyone.

I’ve always read how you deserve this and that. That you should look for so and so qualities in someone. That if that person lacks such qualities then they’re not for you. True, in a sense that you’re trying to look out for yourself. True, in a way that you wouldn’t settle for anything shorter than perfect, or the best, however you want to put it. True, but I wouldn’t completely agree with it anymore.

You see, the moment I felt no one was good enough for me, I started pushing people away. No one was good enough for me. No one was present enough. No one loved me enough. Everything.

It took me what feels like forever and a day to realise that not everyone will fit into this unrealistic mould. That everyone’s made different, and people who have just walked into your life will not necessarily be the same with the people you’ve met. That you shouldn’t look for a person, in another person – if you get the gist. (Kind of like looking for Lionel Messi in Cristiano Ronaldo, or Kendall Jenner in Gigi Hadid, something like that)

I spend a bit too much time reading all these poetry, and articles, and come across so many posts of the like on social media that it consumed me. That it made me build up unrealistic expectations in people, in love, in life, when your experiences should be unique to yourself. That it should be what others think it should be.

Sure, it’s those little quotes you get from the articles that hit home. It’s so relatable, but in no way should it be generalised and used as a mould for everyone. They tell you that you deserve someone who’s constantly present, who would show up at your doorstep to come and rescue you before you’d even call out for help, and I could go on and on, but I know you catch my drift – it’s basically everything that’s #goals on social media.

These posts are misled to be empowering. That if people don’t fit into this mould, you should just cut them off and get rid of them. In no way am I saying that you should keep everyone in your life, but if it’s just the case of not fitting into your mould, then it really is unfair. Because not everyone’s the same, and not everyone you meet will be the same.

To cut one off for that reason comes off as unaccepting. That you’re not accepting someone for who they truly are. That you’re trying to change them. And I’m not saying that every change is bad, or there’s no such thing as changing for the better but I’ve come to realise that everyone just needs to have a little more acceptance in their lives.

I’ve come to realise that you can’t change people to be someone you want them to be. You can’t shape them to be the ideal partner. You can’t tell them to do this and that, to quit doing this and that, especially if it contradicts their interests. Not unless they ask you to help them, then that’s a completely different story.

They tell you to treat people the same way you want to be treated, but not everyone will treat you as good as you do. They tell you to always give a hundred, but not everyone will put in the same amount of effort as you did. They tell you to look for someone who makes you so happy that your cheeks would hurt from smiling so much, but how can you know what happiness truly is when you don’t experience sadness? They tell you to look for so many things in one person, that it may well be impossible to actually find this one person who fits your mould perfectly.

They tell you what your life should be like, but they don’t tell you what it’s really like. You don’t just get good days, you get bad ones too. Even with the right person, smiles won’t last a lifetime, there will be days when you’d cry, even days filled with anger on top of so much more other feelings. They tell you that your life has to be (at least close to) perfect for you to be happy. That you’re better off without people who can’t give you the things they tell you that you deserve. That you’re made to believe that it’s okay to change someone just so they could fit into your mould better.

But to love is to overlook one’s flaws and to allow them to be themselves. To love is to not give them shit for not being who they’re not. To love is to understand that it’s not always easy. To love is to understand that there will be bad days that bring out the worst in each other. To love is to accept that sometimes, you won’t necessarily receive the same amount of love you give. To love is to understand that although it’s nice to always have a hand to hold, sometimes you just gotta be a tough cookie and go through shit on your own because they have theirs, too.

It sounds dysfunctional, but what you give is not always what you get in return. Because that’s what life really is.

life’s a battlefield

Been a while since I last wrote, and to be honest, life’s been shit lately that I spend most of the time trying to pull myself together.

Writing just doesn’t cut it, in a therapeutic sense, because I often find writing not doing my thoughts justice. I have way too much time in my hands, and I spend way too much time alone that I often think more than I should. That I overthink, overanalyse, over-everything. That I can’t gather my thoughts and condense them into a piece of writing. Most often it drives me right down the edge and it pushes me to the greatest depths of sadness.

Some days I get random bursts of positivity and I’d be able to brush my thoughts off, but it doesn’t change the fact that I often feel so alone but talking to others about my issues (for lack of a better word) feel so bothersome. That, and I genuinely feel like there aren’t many who would truly understand.

I get that we were never promised walks in the park. I get that there will be rainy days, and some last longer than others. I get that I’m not the only one going through the things I have to through everyday. I get that although we’re not all necessarily fighting the same battles, a battle’s a battle, and what may seem like a small deal to you may be a huge deal to someone else. I get that although it’s nice to have a hand to hold, some battles you have to fight alone because it’s not you. Because everyone is fighting for themselves, too.

Everyday, I try waking up thinking “another day, another day closer to sunny, brighter days”, rather than dreading another long, distressing day of battling my thoughts. Everyday, I pray that He gives me and the ones I love strength, patience and faith to power through our rainy days. Everyday, I tell myself that it will be these battles that’ll make us stronger. Everyday, I tell myself that although life tries us so many times, it’s patience and faith that will bring us to better days.

And although we’ve been fighting our own battles alone, everyday, I pray that we’ll get there. Together.

brighter days

Sometimes life takes you to unexpected places, places you’ve never thought of being at, places where you meet people you wouldn’t have thought you’d get on with, places you find yourself in and end up asking yourself ‘how did I get here?‘ but will look back on one day and think how you didn’t regret a single bit of it.

Sometimes things don’t go your way, and naturally, you sulk, you stop and wonder where you went wrong. You think of how unfair life is, you think of why it had to happen to you and not anyone else (not in a malicious, wishing-the-bad-for-others kind of way). You start thinking if it’ll all ever get better.

In life you have expectations of how you want things to end up, how you have an exact layout of where you want to be, what you want to do — and the list is endless, really. We all have expectations for everything. But naturally, our expectations don’t determine reality. And most often, our realities do not reflect of our expectations. And that’s okay.

You’d have a mental checklist of so many criteria – and you’re constantly on the hunt of this one thing that ticks off all the boxes on the list. Constantly hashtagging #goals from bomb ass looking houses that you hope to live in one day, to romantic gestures someone has done for their significant other, to friendships that last a lifetime, or pictures showing one’s extravagant life.

Sometimes, we’re too caught up with our wants, that we overlook our needs. Sometimes, we don’t realise that what we’re only chasing after what we want, not realising that it’s something else that we need. At times you might wonder why you don’t get what you want, and why it has to be you, so you do nothing but resent your reality.

Sometimes, we’re too caught up with our wants, that when we’re given something else, we don’t realise that this thing has got so much more to offer that they’re ticking off boxes you never even realised that was on the list. And then you realise, what you’d initially wanted, wasn’t what you needed.

Sometimes, life gives you so much more than you ask for. Sometimes, although life turns out to be different than what you had expected, some things are worth making exceptions for because they take you to better days and lead you to the better and finer things in life. Trust me, take it from someone who’s just had first hand experience.

Until then x

gratitude

It amazes me how we tend to foresee what we have and instead, whine about what we don’t have and what we’d do just to get it. And I admit, I do the same, too. Much too often than I’m supposed to.

Sometimes, I fear that it comes off as being ungrateful of what I have. But I am. And I can only pray that I won’t ever forget to always, always, always, be grateful to Allah for the things He’s given me. Alhamdulillah for the things I have, for many may not have the same things. Alhamdulillah for where I am, for being the ~few~ to be awarded the opportunity to study abroad. Alhamdulillah for my health, for there are people suffering in pain at this moment. Alhamdulillah for everything good in my life.

Sometimes, it really is baffling how it’s so hard for me to utter the one word to express gratitude to Him. Like, you know the feeling when you get your results and see that you passed that module you’ve always struggled with? What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you see your results? Rewind to a couple of weeks ago, I was nervously waiting for my results page to load. And so when it did, my eyes instantly looked out for that one module I struggled with. The moment I saw my grade which indicated a pass, the first word I uttered was “YES!!!! NO RESITS!!!”. But really, what I should have said was Alhamdulillah, because if a grade entirely came from me and only me, knowing how much revision (I really hated that module, and so didn’t revised it as much as I was meant to) I had done, it wouldn’t have been enough for a pass.

Sometimes, you really do need to take a step back and appreciate what you have. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of embracing what you have, rather than being bitter over what you don’t have, or turning green with envy when you see someone wearing that bag you’ve been eyeing for ages.

But sometimes, it really is a matter of persistence. That the amount of work and effort you’ve done would turn into something good, inshaAllah. I wouldn’t say I grew up spoiled, and my parents are firm believers of working to get what you want. Most things that they’ve given me were rewards for doing well in school, etc. And it really is amazing to see what effort leads you to. Growing up, my dad would spend hours and hours at training, and nothing’s quite as rewarding than seeing him win all the championships be it locally or internationally. My mum would spend hours in the kitchen, sometimes even stays up the whole night just to complete orders for her (ahem would I say…) famous brownies and cheese dip among many other things. And nothing’s quite as rewarding than seeing the look on her face when she finally gets to buy that handbag (probably after years of setbacks from catering to her two daughters’ endless wants needs). My grandparents, (who are meant to be retired for about 10 years now), are still working, running their own businesses. Nothing’s quite rewarding to see the many students graduating from the college year after year under her leadership. And recently, after the many years of chilling out in Starbucks, or Coffee Bean (or any coffee place, really) while his family is off shopping when we’re abroad (or even Jing Chew or Lau Di Fang, really, he’s a regular), it really is rewarding to see my grandfather finally opening a coffee place that he can finally call his own.

But really, nothing would come if it weren’t for Him. So again, Alhamdulillah for everything you’ve given me, and my family. Alhamdulillah for Your blessings, and the rezeki that has come our way. I pray that we will always, always, remember to be grateful, and to not take what we have for granted. Today, although there are things I’m not satisfied with, I’m grateful for the life I have, Alhamdulillah.

What are you grateful for today?

about letting go

There are days that I miss you. Days I wonder how it all went wrong in just a split second. Days I wonder how it all changed so quickly. Days I wonder what it’d be like had I just dropped it. 

Days I feel lonely, not because I don’t have anyone to talk to, but because they’re not you. Or because no one would understand, other than you. 

Days I feel content, because now I’m free to think of me, and just me. Of not having the pressure to constantly please someone, or to make up for it when I don’t. 

Days I feel so upset with myself. Of screwing it all up. When I see others happy with their partners thinking that I was once in that place but I lost it all over something stupid. 

Days I don’t regret it all happening. For I get to learn to love myself again. And realise that life shouldn’t just revolve around one person. That I get to live a little. But mending a broken heart is no joke. 

Days I pick on my sutures – and delay the healing process yet again. When I encounter old pictures of you and I. Or come across something that makes me revisit memories of you. The littlest things like the most stupid things we’d say, or argue about. Or the things we used to do together. Things you told me of which I then grew to like too, and vice versa. 

Days I feel stronger than ever. And it wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for you. If it weren’t for the days I braved with smiles when all I wanted to do was stay in bed and cry all day. For the days I gave in and cried my eyes out. For the days I fought the urge to just come up and tell you how much I’d miss having you around, but I know it’s not fair. 

Days I feel weak in the knees. Over the thought that I no longer mean anything to someone who used to look at me and see everything. That what I thought would last, didn’t. That what I hope would last, didn’t. That what I wished to have lasted, didn’t. 

Days I’m thankful. For now I’ve been forced to take a step back, I see how my perceptions have been wrong all along. How it’s taught me how to be different next time. 

Days I realise that you and I are both different people now. That although we were once everything to each other, we grew apart and maybe that’s the only way we get to be the best versions of ourselves that we could be. 

Some days are bad, but mostly good. I realise that this journey that I’ve been forced onto won’t be easy. I realise that even if it goes downhill sometimes, what matters is getting back up on my feet again and continue fighting the battle. For me, and no one else. And even if it’s tough being out here alone, I know I’ll make it on my own. Because I’m strong. Because I have to. Because I can. 

Bad days are a given – but to get up and kick their asses are something else. I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to fully heal, but I will get there. Slowly, but surely. Because I’m strong. Because I have to. Because I can.

2015 in a nutshell

Looking back and reflecting on what’s happened in the past twelve months, I realise how little credit I tend to give myself for constantly being out of my comfort zone (be it willingly or not, and I’m not saying this in a “so-this-makes-me-better-than-you” way). Honestly speaking, I can’t recall any of my new year resolutions, nor do I know if I’ve even made any. But really though, who even keeps to them up until the very end of the year?

This year has been filled with so many lessons, and I can safely say that it’s brought out the strongest version of me than I have ever been before. I can’t speak much chronologically in terms of events or lessons cause I know I’ll miss out on so many things just trying to put them in order, ironic I know, but that’s always the case for me, haha.

I would say I’ve always been more of a reserved person, although friends and family would argue that I’m actually quite the loud, and chatty girl who can’t seem to stop talking, or laugh hysterically over almost everything. But having started university and reading a course with hardly anyone I could relate with (in terms of culture, religious beliefs, etc), the socially-awkward self in me struggled to feel comfortable in the first few months. Come second semester, and there I was, making friends, and becoming more confident to start conversations with my coursemates. It may seem small to some, but actually knowing that I had people within my course to talk to was something big to someone like me, who’s moved across the world to read a course along with primarily locals of whom I found difficult to relate myself to.

Being away from home also made me realise that I’m a much bigger family person that I would’ve thought I’d be. They say distance does make the heart fonder, and it’s true. Truthfully speaking, I don’t think that I’d appreciate them enough had I not been sent to study away from home nor would I have felt the closest (not in terms of distance, haha) to them. Over the summer, I decided to surprise them by coming home a few days early (huge thanks to my bestfriend for helping me make this happen!). But having heard news about plane crashing and going missing the previous year, flying alone for the very first time only made my easily-anxious self more nervous! Somehow there was something about this year that made me do things I wouldn’t have thought I’d do, and no amount of anxiety miraculously made me have second thoughts of flying alone. And it was all worth it! The warm embraces, smiles and tears of joy on their faces upon seeing my unexpected return was worth every ounce of anxiety I felt from entering the plane, to not having a single clue on what to do during transits, and what to do to kill time while waiting for the next leg of my journey.

I’m one who prefers to stick to what I’m comfortable to, and I hardly ever try new things. I don’t quite know why, but for someone who can get pretty anxious (although I tend to hide it from people) I guess it’s got something to do with not knowing what is to come, and that the possibility that a non-preferred outcome might happen stops me from doing something I don’t normally do.

But there has been so many things that I’ve tried for the very first time, including travelling alone. Things like, being in a committee (I was never one who liked joining these things), to trying out things like paintball (I was always discouraged by how much people have said that it hurts and the sort), organising events not just for a society, but charity projects as well as sports tournaments that went on for 3 consecutive days. If you asked me 5 years before this if I’d think I’d be in a committee, I can confidently say that my 14-year-old self would say no.

To say the least, I don’t know how it even dawned to me to go for it, but the experiences and opportunities it led me to made me not regret a single thing. Although it slightly did make me feel like I was obliged to join things, I don’t think I’d be grateful of what I have right now. We organise a charity project over the fasting month annually — basically to reach out and help families in need. Truthfully speaking, I’d picture my summer days to be of me staying home, lazing and wasting away my days binge watching series and movies. But if it weren’t for this project, and to see how there are people who can’t afford the things you take for granted, it wouldn’t have hit me how much I have (Alhamdulillah) and how I should take these things for granted.

Relationship-wise, let’s just say things went wrong and people would have already known that I’m no longer with my then-boyfriend of two and a half years. I’m perfectly fine now, but I was obviously devastated and I couldn’t be more thankful of my family and friends who were always there to make sure I was feeling a hundred. It was tough for me as it happened the very same month we were to hold our annual Summer Games, and that meant powering through meetings with smiles and (at least making myself) look okay even on the days I woke up feeling like crying my eyes out in bed all day. Besides, I knew everyone was feeling the stress and pressure, and it wouldn’t be fair to burden them with more of my stress and worries about something else.

There were days when I felt lost and helpless, but now I know it’s just all in the mind just because it’s normally how people would react when something unpleasant happens to them. But these were the days that brought out the strength in me – one I never knew I had. These were the days that brought me closer to more people. These were the days that helped me feel comfortable with my own company. And I realise how wonderful His plans are. That although I’d lost one person in my life, I gained so much more. And though there are days when I miss just having someone to constantly talk to, my happiness should never be dependent on another person. That dwelling on what has, should, and could have been would do me no good. That what would make me the happiest, is letting go. And I choose to be happy.

Fast forward a couple of months later, I feel much stronger that I have been. I feel content, and grateful, and most importantly blessed. The year has made me realise that it’s the things that you push yourself to do out of your comfort zone that brings out the best of days, the best of lessons in life or just the best of things, generally. 2015 has been the toughest, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Happy New Year, everyone! May the new year brings us more blessings, everything good! (Maybe a bit of the bad to even it out and make us appreciate the good even more, hehe).

Until then,

Silah x