The end of the year is approaching (as I’m writing this anyway, haha), and as per this blog’s tradition, I’d dedicate a post to reflect on the year and the things I’ve done. I don’t quite remember what resolution or goals I made last year, or if I even made any. Knowing me, it would more likely be the latter cause I know I’d forget all about it come second week of January. But I know it’s not a struggle for just me, hahaha. I had to have a long and hard think of what to write because the year has gone by so quickly that I can hardly remember much of what happened! So here’s my attempt to write a list of 5 things that happened this year, and 5 things I hope for in 2018. Also another disclaimer: this one’s gon’ be a long one!
So in 2017,
1. I graduated from university at the age of 20. 20! I know they say age is just a number and that it shouldn’t be an indicator of how far you’ve gone in life because everyone goes through different paths to get somewhere but getting a degree is no mean feat, being given the opportunity to achieve it at a young age, more so – Alhamdulillah. I don’t think it hit me just how big of a day it was, until the day itself. That it wasn’t a day to just commemorate my graduation, but also to remind me that I survived. That in spite of my hardships, be it uni-related or personal matters, the tears, the stress, the anxiety, the breakdowns, the sleepless nights, I made it. (Not forgetting the good times I’ve had with my friends and everyone I’ve met along my degree journey who have made hard days at uni more bearable!)
No words can quite explain how I felt the moment I walked out of the hall to see proud faces on not just my parents but also both sets of grandparents (especially my grandmothers who cried! … so obviously I did, too). Knowing that you’ve made the people who have gone great lengths to raise you proud makes you feel quite… extraordinary and accomplished, and every synonym there is to happy. That it’s as if you’ve given them the world, although there isn’t an inch of me that wouldn’t if I could.
2. I ran a freakin’ marathon. Like, couch potato Silah Khairul, who would normally waste her days away in bed, actually trained and ran 42 gruelling kilometres. Who would’ve thought. I mean, honestly, even I didn’t have faith in myself. It was the very reason I chose to not tell anyone until literally weeks before the actual thing, hahahaha. Don’t know how I managed to pull through, but I kept my promise. I ran 42 kilometres around London and I honestly would do it all over again if it means getting another whole page feature on the local newspaper, I’m JUST KIDDING.
But really though, it’s one of the things that made me realise that I can only achieve great things when I go beyond my comfort zone and it’s a saying I’m starting to live by now. Like, my comfort zone is spending hours doing movie marathons, not being outdoors and running an actual marathon. But you know what they say, get you a girl who can do both.
3. I became more comfortable in my own skin. If there’s one thing I (or most girls, for that matter) struggle with the most, it’s self-love. I don’t think people talk about it as often as they should even if it can have such a big impact to some people, including me. I think every teenage girl had that constant need to fit in. Every girl wanted to be pretty, and be with someone who would always constantly sweep you off your feet and this relationship will last forever and ever (and of course, ahem, more important things like doing well in school and things that will actually lead you to a crazy amazing career). But spoiler alert 12-year-old Silah: life isn’t always a fairytale and guys ain’t shit, haha.
Honestly, I think this is the longest I’ve gone without dating someone since I ever started dating. I could, though, fill out an entire bingo card of love fails: from messing up what could’ve been a great relationship, being broken up with through my best friend before he actually broke up with me, being ghosted, being aimlessly led on for months (for nothing), you name it. But you know what, my heart can only handle so much and life goes on and life is still great. 12-year-old me used to think that not having a boyfriend means that you’re ugly and unworthy of someone’s love. Now, 21-year-old me thinks that not having a boyfriend means that no one’s worthy of your love, haha is perfectly fine!
I used to be so unnecessarily insecure, and I hated myself for the things I am not. I used to wish I was prettier, or smarter, and basically any positive quality there is! But when you’re on your own, you start appreciating yourself a little more. Your perspective then changes from why am I not enough, to I am enough on my own, having someone by my side is a bonus. My happiness used to depend so heavily on someone else, but I’ve been down Heartbreak Lane way too many times to know how hard it gets when you’re left all alone, feeling ever so hopeless and helpless. So I’ve learned to love myself more. Because you’re all that you have, and you deserve all the love there is.
Besides, I read somewhere (totally reliable source, aka one of those Featured Media on Snapchat Story) that being single at this point in life isn’t always a bad thing – because it’s also that period in life that you’re starting to discover yourself more. Not only do you get to do it in your own freedom, you get to focus on your own growth rather than worry about someone else’s needs, which I kind of agree with.
4. Not only did I practice self-love, I also became better at self-care! Especially in terms of fitness, and just recently, skincare. The fitness bit obviously came hand in hand with my marathon training, and if you’ve been following my blog for quite some time, you’d know how, ahem, well that went. Haha, but really though, even if my plans to run didn’t happen, I made it a point to always prioritise my fitness. So if I’m not running, I’m still up and about – it could be netball, or maximising my unlimited fitness classes privilege that came with my gym membership. So generally, I stepped up my game and did a little bit more than what I’d normally do.
But what’s I think is worth mentioning more is that I’ve finally come up with a skincare routine and have stuck to it! I have struggled with acne for the longest time and it doesn’t help that one of my worst habits is to always pick on them although it leaves really ugly scars. I am (or should I say, used to be) really rubbish with routine because I get so forgetful when it comes to these things. It wasn’t until my trip to Dubai when I splurged on some Kiehl’s products (when I say splurge, it really was just four products although it left a dent in my wallet because these things ain’t cheap!) that I thought I should start committing to one. And trust me, even with very minimal products (I had two each for day and night time), I struggled!
But slowly, it became a habit and I now have routines consisting of at least four products each. It’s rewarding when you start seeing results, which I think was what helped me the most I think – there are hardly any scars on my face anymore! I didn’t notice until I saw pictures of me from last year and legit cringed. I do still get some from recent breakouts every now and then, but it would normally fade within a week or so (which might seem long to some people, but is fairly quick for someone who had them for years!). I think my skin has never been better ever since I started breaking out and I love it.
5. I am living 16-year-old Silah’s dreams! I used to want to go to a university in a big city (that wasn’t London – why I was so against London is beyond me), but life happens and the universities that met my predicted grades and good enough (my sponsor didn’t allow universities that weren’t in the Top 50) weren’t in any big cities. I mean, I went to Loughborough. Don’t get me wrong, my three years there were nothing short of great and although small and quiet, it is an amazing uni and it really did grow on me.
But when final year came, I was exploring options of what I could do after finishing my degree (though I technically already had one). Then I came across information about the course I’m currently doing in UCL, and how it struck to me as exactly what I wanted to do. The plan was to apply just to see if I was good enough for a university as prestigious as UCL (again, not saying Loughborough isn’t, but I wanted to prove myself something!). But I got the offer and I had a change of heart, and Alhamdulillah for my rezeki and here I am, living the life 16-year-old Silah could only ever dreamed of after having them crushed. Though living on a student budget in London is a constant struggle, I do enjoy having KFC and Chicken Cottage less than five minutes away from me hahahaha #friedchickendiet.
In spite of all the the highs from my achievements, I fell into the lowest of lows too, mainly because I lost my great grandfather to cancer. I tend to find myself trying to avoid the topic these days because it still makes me tear up when I think of him and how he’s no longer here. I grew up being quite close to Nini, so I have nothing but fond memories of him. December’s also a special month for the family because Nini celebrates his birthday on Christmas Day, so December has always been about him.
This year was different because it was obviously our first without him and it was like losing him all over again. The fact that it still moves us all just goes to show how much he means to us and how big of a part he played in all our lives. My heart still aches knowing he’s no longer here, but tries to find comfort knowing that he’s lived his best life, and is in far better hands now. He may not be here anymore, but he will always live in me through the one thing he taught me: to always be dedicated. To the family, to the country, and more importantly, to our Creator. In a way, his passing was also an eye-opener for me to always appreciate and be grateful for the presence of my family and the people I have in my life (shoutout to each and everyone of you who have stuck by me, y’all are real MVPs!). Ok, that’s technically 6 things but I gotta keep it real and talk about my struggles too.
I really had to rack my brain to think of what resolutions to make, because face it, like any goal, it has to be realistic, achievable and specific. Like, I can’t say I want to be better because it’s just way too vague. Better in what sense? I sure have gotten a whole lot better in finishing a meal that could probably feed a family of 4. But that means my self-control and eating habits surely have worsened.
So, I hope that 2018 be a year of growth (no, not height wise – I’ve come to accept that I’ve stopped growing ages ago!)
1. I hope to be better, not bitter. One of the lessons I had to learn the hard way in 2017 was acceptance. I hold grudges less often, and I’m still learning to just forgive and let go. I realise that dwelling on how you’ve been wrong and how unfair it is for you brings nothing but negative energy, and you shouldn’t have to constantly feel like shit all the time. I hope that I learn to be more accepting, and through greater acceptance, comes greater resilience too. That in times of hardship, I’ll learn to see the light and take the good than the bad. Count my blessings than problems, you catch my drift!
2. I aim to have an improved wellbeing – both mentally and physically. It’s just one of those things that’s so, so underrated and not discussed enough! One of the things that I struggle with is that I beat myself up too much sometimes. Most days I’m happy and I tend to joke around a lot but that also means that when I’m feeling down, ohhh do I feel down. And often, I’d hate myself so much for not being able to just snap out of it. But I need to remind myself that there’s only so much that one can bottle up or sweep under the carpet – every now and again, it’s okay not to feel okay for a little bit.
One of my aims is also to try and walk more – in walkable distance, of course. Not only does the extra steps means that extra workout (it has to count as exercise, am I right?!), it also gives me time to calm my already busy mind.
3. I want to do at least one thing outside of my comfort zone. I don’t quite know what exactly, but I thought I’d figure it out along the year, haha. Last year, it was running a marathon after not having run long distance for years. But I seem to be reminded why I loved running in the first place, so I think I’ll obviously be doing more of that. The year before, it was taking two long haul flights on my own for the very first time (didn’t really help that the previous year saw two major aviation tragedies). But I find flying on my own rather relaxing now. I think conquering a fear or a mere thought that you’re incapable of doing something, makes you feel like you’re more than just your thoughts. That you’re capable of so much more than you think. And though these achievements seem small, it really does make you feel better about yourself.
4. I want to make more time to do the things I love. Which would be writing, running, reading. Gone were the days when I would have time to read to my heart’s content, and actually make time to work out. Lately, I’ve been way too demotivated to get out and run, and the weather doesn’t help either (then again, I’m just making up excuses for myself now, haha). With my ever-growing reading list in uni, this means that I can hardly find time to read leisurely. When I have a bit of time to spare, I’d normally grab a book and try to finish it in one sitting because I know it would take me months to pick it up again. Not that it stopped me from buying books, but the amount that I have bought but are still unread is just appalling, to say the least, haha. Seriously makes me miss the more carefree days when I could afford to spend hours and hours just reading (journal articles and textbooks obviously don’t count). So this year, I hope to read at least a book a month. If I could spare at least 20-30 minutes a day to read, that’d be great.
5. I want to be more appreciative. Which, I think was probably my resolution last year, too. Haha. But this isn’t just restricted to the people I have in my life, although this ironically stems from the fact that I lost someone so dear to my heart last year. I want to be more appreciative of the things I have, the life I have and pretty much everything really – even the bad. Now that it’s January (you can tell how long I took to write up this post…) and my second term of uni is about to start, I can imagine it going by a breeze and the next thing you know, I’ll be done with my Masters. So I think, in relation to resolution number 2, walking more means that I’d get to take in more of London, see more of it, enjoy more of it, you catch my drift. Although things are starting to get pretty hectic and my term hasn’t even started, I know in 20 years, I won’t even remember how I’d stress trying to meet my deadlines and getting my pre-research done in time. I’d remember all the dumb things 21 year olds do like spending money on unimportant things like a new pair of sports tights I definitely didn’t need (Well, I do have a 10k coming up in a month, so that dumb purchase is justified, hehe!), or how I’d tell myself to cook more but that takes more effort than walking to KFC and treat yourself to a solo fried chicken party.
I really do hope that the upcoming year will bring all of us more happiness and joy, filled with prosper and countless blessings. But having said that, I do hope that in the upcoming year, all of us will have the strength and patience to power through every hardship/obstacle that’ll come our way too! Hope everyone’s had a lovely start to the new year so far – mine has been spent binge watching Friends since their Netflix release, ahem while doing a whole lot of article reading, of course.
Until then x
silahk 