21 things I learned by 21

I’ve been meaning to finish this post in time for my 21st birthday (exactly two months ago today!) but the last couple of months have been hectic for me – from running pre-departure errands to spending the little time I had left with my family to running even more errands to settle down and readjust to university life. But yes, I’m back in the UK to pursue my Masters!

It’s been so long since I last wrote – my last post was one I dedicated to my late great grandfather, 40 days after his passing back in May. Since then, I buried myself in tons and tons of reading and long hours of revision, finished my final exams, went home for raya, got my exam results and graduated from Loughborough (which I thought I’d write a post on, but I’ve left it way too late!). And then came my offer from UCL, which I decided to take up and then came the list with a million and one things to do before I leave, which left me with not much time to write.

Sounds like an awful excuse, I know, but I don’t think I really had the time to really rack my brain and think of something worthy of writing (other than my graduation, but I’ll spare everyone the graduation spam because I feel like a broken record thanking the same people over and over again). I think the longer you’ve been out of something, the harder it is to get back to it. But with the time I had alone in my long flights, I thought I’d write a list of 21 things I learned by 21 – something (hopefully) more positive than posts of my homesick bouts, although most definitely, much much longer than my normal posts! So grab a cuppa or some popcorn, haha.

1. There is a lot that your life can offer. There are so many opportunities for you out there, so grab as many as you can. Although there are many, the same one don’t come very often or easily. Believe in yourself, and take a chance. You may be pushed out of the comfort zone, but there’s this saying that goes “the greatest achievements don’t happen within (one’s) comfort zone” – with all the things I have achieved so far, I can vouch for that. But…
2. Things won’t always go your way. And that’s okay. Failing should never be a discouragement. Take it upon you to always, always, always continue trying because it means you’re working for what you want. But if you don’t end up getting what you want, then that’s okay, too. At least you know that you’ve worked your hardest, and that’s more than what makes the battle.
3. Have faith that what is coming will be better than what you have planned. I remember crying over boys who wouldn’t give two shits about me. I remember feeling like shit when my friends were overachieving and getting nothing lower than As in their exams when I could barely scrape an A regardless how hard I try. I remember crying for not being able to apply to my dream university (wrote about it here!). I’ve always dreamt of going to a university in a big city, but I ended up going to a university in a small town. After three years, I graduated with honours and I’m currently doing my Masters in London! You may not get what you want at first, but if it’s meant to be then it will come to you. Trust Allah and His plans, and that His plans will always be better than yours.
4. Don’t let self-doubt restrain you. I know this one is hard, because even I struggle with this sometimes. But when you start thinking that you can’t, then you can’t. You are what you believe. If you believe you can, then you can. Don’t just aim for the stars, reach for it. You are your biggest enemy, fight your negative thoughts and everything else should fall into place. I’ve missed out on so many things because I told myself I couldn’t do it when in fact, I was just too scared to try because my fear of failing was greater.
5. Never let your failures define you. You’re not incapable of being loved just because you’ve had so many failed relationships. You’re not incompetent just because you’ve failed so many exams, tests (there’s so many ways to be intelligent, really, not just doing well in your exams…). Things don’t work out sometimes but it doesn’t make you less of a capable person. Failures make you appreciate your success even more, just like the saying, you can’t win them all.
6. Go big or go home. Give your all in everything you do. When you put your heart into something, do it to the fullest. Do everything wholeheartedly, when all fails at least you know you did all you could. Because if you don’t then you’d wish you would have given more of you. You’d always dwell on the what ifs, and what could have beens. And trust me, they’re much harder to deal with than failing from giving something your all.
7. Always, always, always stay grounded. No amount of achievement or success should ever make you think you’re better than the next person. I heard this saying that goes, “if you have to say that you are (something), then you probably aren’t“.
8. Forgive, forget and let go. Never hold grudges, as hard as it can be. What makes your blood boil today will seem so little another day. What makes you upset today might be silly another day. If anything, holding onto grudges will only exhaust you. G i r l (or b o y, totally not judging if there are guys reading, haha), there are way better things to be spending your energy on than wasting it on resenting people who have wronged you. Forgive, forget, and let go.
9. Don’t let anyone’s words make you feel small. I remember that one time, I was 14 and just started wearing glasses regularly. I was so insecure over it because it made me feel so ugly, not that I ever really spoke to anyone about it because I just wanna see the world in HD. But soon enough I had a thing with this boy and I told him how insecure I was about my glasses. His reply? “Yeah, you look weird with glasses.” 14-year-old me just laughed along with him when it actually killed me and what little remains of my confidence. But really though, his words kinda stayed with me for a really long time when it shouldn’t have because he ain’t shit , and that was pretty much the reason why I really wanted to wear contacts. For the longest time, it took me a really long time to feel comfortable to be seen in my glasses.
10. Never compromise your worth and values just to fit in. You don’t have to do something you don’t enjoy just because your other friends are doing it. I understand that while it’s easy to be so influenced by your peers, if it means compromising your values and what you stand for, don’t do it. Stay grounded, remember who you are, remember where you come from, and embrace it. If they don’t agree, then they probably shouldn’t be your friends anyway, because true ones would understand. I mean, being a non-drinker myself, I got along just fine with the group of friends I made in uni for three whole years.
11. Do more of what makes you feel good. Like doing outdoor activities? Do more outdoor activities. Love spending the night in just binge-watching reruns of Gossip Girl or Gilmore Girls? Then spend as many nights in as you wish! Because you deserve just that, if not more. Things can get pretty rough at times, and you owe yourself at least that. Reward yourself after long days, or hard weeks with the things you love to do. It can be just as simple as treating yourself to your favourite dessert or a quick coffee run. Lately, I find myself treating myself to a nice meal or coffee after long hours of working in university – and on top of feeling productive, one can’t deny the power of food and coffee to lift your mood up even higher!
12. You, before anyone else. I don’t quite know how to put this in a rather less selfish way, but at this age, I’ve only come to realise that it really is the time for you to be selfish and put your needs ahead of others. And I think at this age, it can get a bit difficult when you’re with someone (I guess you can sort of get to an agreement, but your relationship, your business, not mine). I used to be in a relationship where, more often than not, I’d put his needs over mine. And I know, being in one just changes it, because your feelings make you just… voluntarily do it for someone because you love them – almost like it’s second nature. But there is a fine line between it being healthy and unhealthy, because at one point I felt like he put it to his advantage and used it to control me. To a point where I’d miss out on hanging out with my friends just because he’d be upset that he wouldn’t have my undivided attention. And I think when you’re with someone so young, both of you should still have time to do the things that you want to do. While there are some relationships that have lasted like, a million years, I’ve seen far more that grew apart and only then they realised how much opportunities and things they haven’t been able to take up simply because they don’t have the time to. So be selfish, think of what you want, and then what he/she wants. You have the rest of your life to worry about his or her needs, if you end up marrying him or her.
13. Your thoughts, worries, feelings, can be overwhelming. Never bottle them up! I personally think this one, everyone just struggles with no matter where they are in life, or how old they are. Because more often than not, I think it’s just generally the fear of feeling like a burden to someone. But find at least one person you can talk to regardless. It can be your sibling, one of your parents, or a really close friend (or if you’re with someone, then naturally, your boy/girlfriend #notbitter). Your brain is a wonderful place, it can accommodate a million and one thoughts in your head but you can still look calm on the outside. Kind of gives an impression that you’re doing ok, although every single thought is killing you. I think, ironically, as chatty and talkative as I can get, I still think I don’t really openly talk about many things to even the one’s close to me. It’s completely natural, I’d think, but when something bothers you, or if something worries you, talk to someone about it. I’ve had my fair share of really breakdowns, and trust me, it will never get better on its own. Sometimes, you just need to get it off your chest. You just need to find someone who’s willing to listen. They don’t have to tell you what to do, or give you pieces of advice. Sometimes you realise that whole weight just gets lifted off your shoulders once you speak of your thoughts. I think, it’s a way of formally acknowledging it, and sort of saying ‘I know you’re there, but I won’t let you bother me‘ to your thoughts. The longer you bottle it up, the more it’ll eat you up and affect you in the long run. Refer back to point #8. Let go.
14. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I personally think, regardless where you are, mental health really still is stigmatised. I do think people here would talk about mental health issues more openly compared to Brunei, because they don’t believe of its existence. You may not physically see it, but it really does affect your life when you don’t address these problems appropriately. While clinical psychology services are free of charge in Brunei (so I believe at least), I do know that they can cost quite a lot in other countries. With technology, though, there’s not many things you can’t do. I used to get (something similar to, or actual – I’m not so sure myself) panic attacks especially when my uni workload gets overwhelming, but I wouldn’t really tell people about it because I mean… It’s uni, everyone’s struggling one way or another. Instead, with the ever so trustworthy Google, I found common techniques professionals usually teach in therapy. One thing led to another, I found that there are now apps that make you relax and teach you breathing techniques. I don’t quite remember which one I downloaded as there are lots on the AppStore, but one thing I can assure you, though, that it’s free bc broke ass students and an affinity for free stuff come hand in hand. And slowly, I think I found it in me to open up to my best friend about it, so I eventually talked to her about it.  I don’t get much of it now though, so I don’t know if they were something similar but not actual panic attacks, or if I’d just gotten better at managing it. And I do get that people respond to things differently (#individualdifferences innit) and it might be harder for them but pls don’t send me hate, I’m just speaking on my behalf! Also, I do realise that this kind of just ties in to some other points I have made in the list, but I mean… I’ve been racking my brain for 21 lessons, and although I’m sure I’ve learned more than that in my 21 years of living, but you can only think of so many things when you’re put under a great deal of pressure writing this a long overdue post!
15. Family, above all. I’m lucky enough to be born into a really close-knit family, albeit huge and ever-growing! I think it’s just one of the things that my great grandparents have instilled upon each and every one of us, really. My family used to have gatherings literally every chance we can get (this mostly means every week! from barbecues to costume parties or even things as simple as high tea), although we don’t do much of it nowadays. I just think the people in your family members are the ones you can count on regardless and are just generally your main support system, really. So appreciate every single second you have with them. Be grateful that you have them around, and never take them for granted. My parents, especially, never fall short when it comes to encouragement. More than anyone else, they’ve seen me fall over and over again, but they’ve also been the first ones to help me back up again. More than anyone else, they’ve sacrificed so much to provide for their two demanding but sweet and beautiful daughters. They hold the very same pair of hands that raised me and shaped me to become who I am, and get me where I am right now. More than anyone else, they’ve seen me through my struggles looking ever so helpless but still see me as someone as capable as can be. My grandparents and great grandparents, too, who have supported me just as much as my parents. They have given me the world, and I owe them nothing less.
16. Be grateful. For the life that you have. For your family. For your friends. For where you are. For who you are. For your health, and wealth, and safety. You really don’t realise what you have until it’s gone, so take time to be appreciate that you’re living the life that you have! There are little things that you may take for granted, but are big things that can change someone else’s life. Just recently, I was on the bus on one particularly cold morning (it was about 1-2°C), and saw a few homeless men sleeping by a shop entrance for shelter. And I think that made me rethink how I take just things as (ahem, dare I say…) simple as being able to afford to have a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep in every night. I was still freezing albeit layering up like crazy, I can’t begin to think how much worse it can be for them. Seeing how others have it worse first hand is nothing than actually bearing the weights of their world on your shoulders. Be thankful for your rezeki, and lend a helping hand when you can. Sometimes, it’s the smallest gestures that matter.
17. Everyone else is fighting their own battles. Never, ever take social media as judgment of whether they have their shit together or not. Truth is, everyone’s fighting their own battles. You may think your life’s hard, you deal with much more things than you’d tell people about. But that’s the case with everyone, too. When you’re used to sharing everything on social media (we all had that phase…), then you’d automatically think that their Twitter or Instagram accounts are acceptable bases of judgment. But I think, as you get older, it just becomes an unspoken rule that there’s more to someone’s life than their Instagram feed. Like, if I could tell anything to my 13-year-old-self who often feel little when I compare myself to others, the ones with the most aesthetic feed, or the ones who slay like crazy in every picture they post (not that this was the trend 8 years ago), aren’t at all like that all the time in real life. If anything, they’re just like me.
18. Stop trying to get on everyone’s good books. Don’t waste your time trying to please everyone because, spoiler alert: it will never happen. You can do nothing but good the rest of your life, yet there will still be people who will speak bad things of you. So stop beating yourself up and exhausting yourself just trying to get into everyone’s good books – you’ll end up wasting your life away.
19. You don’t always have to explain yourself. Your life, your decisions. Don’t ever think you owe everyone an explanation, especially if it doesn’t involve them at all. Live your life the way you want to, because again, refer to #18. Your life, your decisions, your rules, not anyone else’s but if you’re Asian maybe your parents’ rules la . (Side note: this most definitely doesn’t apply when this involves something like leaving someone hanging after reeling them in for months because dat shit hurts).
20. Take time off for yourself. Trust me, you’ll thank yourself. I’ve always spent most of my time on social media, or in front of a screen at least and I don’t think I realise how much of my life it takes up until I actually yknow, get up and do other things than just scrolling my life away on Instagram (most evil app, I tell you, I could spend hours on it without realising!). One of the reasons I really love the UK is that you can literally go out and about on your own without anyone judging you. You can go to a cafe, have a cuppa on your own and no one would bat an eyelid. You’re craving something but all your friends are busy, you decide to just go ahead and get your cravings fixed, but literally no one would care that you’re on your own company. This isn’t always the case in Brunei because everyone just assumes that you’ve got no friends which is kinda true too, hahahaha I’m kidding . It can take up to many different forms, really. I found that running was sort of my me-time when I trained for my marathon. When my thoughts get a bit muddled, I tend to write (you should see the amount of posts I have written in my drafts) just to get it off my chest. When I have a bit more time, I can actually spend hours reading and actually finish a book in one sitting. I think, even if you’re occupied doing something, doing it on your own just lets you calm down, and clear your mind off of whatever negativity there is in you. It makes you realise that being on your own helps you grow as a person.
21. No one does you better than you! Be proud of who you are, and all that you have achieved in life. Often I find myself thinking “I wish I could be more like (so and so)” or somewhere along the lines. The truth is, there’s really no point of comparing yourself and another person. That life was made for them for a reason, the same way your life was made for yours. No one would do better than you if they had the exact same life you have. So stay true to yourself, live your life to its full potential, stay grounded, be humble – be you! You may not seem much to yourself, but somebody out there will see their whole world in you, even in your truest form, through each and every flaw there is!

Aaaand that’s it! If you have made it to the end of this post, congratulations! And thank you for staying with me throughout my verbal diarrhoea tendencies, hahaha. Might take me a while to find the time to write up another post after writing what’s longer than I’d normally write for a uni assignment, lol! That, or when a guy upsets me and my Taylor Swift mode comes on so I write a post about how life goes on and he ain’t shit, whichever comes first.

Until then x