I have to admit, I am a sucker for all things poems, ThoughtCatalog articles and the sort. And I wouldn’t deny that reading really does change your perspective.
I’ve always been led to believe that we have to get the love that we deserve. At one point, I’ve heard so many “you deserve better”s, or “you deserve so much more than that”s that I’m too convinced to a point where I don’t even know what I deserve. That at one point I felt like I was too good for anyone.
I’ve always read how you deserve this and that. That you should look for so and so qualities in someone. That if that person lacks such qualities then they’re not for you. True, in a sense that you’re trying to look out for yourself. True, in a way that you wouldn’t settle for anything shorter than perfect, or the best, however you want to put it. True, but I wouldn’t completely agree with it anymore.
You see, the moment I felt no one was good enough for me, I started pushing people away. No one was good enough for me. No one was present enough. No one loved me enough. Everything.
It took me what feels like forever and a day to realise that not everyone will fit into this unrealistic mould. That everyone’s made different, and people who have just walked into your life will not necessarily be the same with the people you’ve met. That you shouldn’t look for a person, in another person – if you get the gist. (Kind of like looking for Lionel Messi in Cristiano Ronaldo, or Kendall Jenner in Gigi Hadid, something like that)
I spend a bit too much time reading all these poetry, and articles, and come across so many posts of the like on social media that it consumed me. That it made me build up unrealistic expectations in people, in love, in life, when your experiences should be unique to yourself. That it should be what others think it should be.
Sure, it’s those little quotes you get from the articles that hit home. It’s so relatable, but in no way should it be generalised and used as a mould for everyone. They tell you that you deserve someone who’s constantly present, who would show up at your doorstep to come and rescue you before you’d even call out for help, and I could go on and on, but I know you catch my drift – it’s basically everything that’s #goals on social media.
These posts are misled to be empowering. That if people don’t fit into this mould, you should just cut them off and get rid of them. In no way am I saying that you should keep everyone in your life, but if it’s just the case of not fitting into your mould, then it really is unfair. Because not everyone’s the same, and not everyone you meet will be the same.
To cut one off for that reason comes off as unaccepting. That you’re not accepting someone for who they truly are. That you’re trying to change them. And I’m not saying that every change is bad, or there’s no such thing as changing for the better but I’ve come to realise that everyone just needs to have a little more acceptance in their lives.
I’ve come to realise that you can’t change people to be someone you want them to be. You can’t shape them to be the ideal partner. You can’t tell them to do this and that, to quit doing this and that, especially if it contradicts their interests. Not unless they ask you to help them, then that’s a completely different story.
They tell you to treat people the same way you want to be treated, but not everyone will treat you as good as you do. They tell you to always give a hundred, but not everyone will put in the same amount of effort as you did. They tell you to look for someone who makes you so happy that your cheeks would hurt from smiling so much, but how can you know what happiness truly is when you don’t experience sadness? They tell you to look for so many things in one person, that it may well be impossible to actually find this one person who fits your mould perfectly.
They tell you what your life should be like, but they don’t tell you what it’s really like. You don’t just get good days, you get bad ones too. Even with the right person, smiles won’t last a lifetime, there will be days when you’d cry, even days filled with anger on top of so much more other feelings. They tell you that your life has to be (at least close to) perfect for you to be happy. That you’re better off without people who can’t give you the things they tell you that you deserve. That you’re made to believe that it’s okay to change someone just so they could fit into your mould better.
But to love is to overlook one’s flaws and to allow them to be themselves. To love is to not give them shit for not being who they’re not. To love is to understand that it’s not always easy. To love is to understand that there will be bad days that bring out the worst in each other. To love is to accept that sometimes, you won’t necessarily receive the same amount of love you give. To love is to understand that although it’s nice to always have a hand to hold, sometimes you just gotta be a tough cookie and go through shit on your own because they have theirs, too.
It sounds dysfunctional, but what you give is not always what you get in return. Because that’s what life really is.
silahk 