to growth

The end of the year is approaching (as I’m writing this anyway, haha), and as per this blog’s tradition, I’d dedicate a post to reflect on the year and the things I’ve done. I don’t quite remember what resolution or goals I made last year, or if I even made any. Knowing me, it would more likely be the latter cause I know I’d forget all about it come second week of January. But I know it’s not a struggle for just me, hahaha. I had to have a long and hard think of what to write because the year has gone by so quickly that I can hardly remember much of what happened! So here’s my attempt to write a list of 5 things that happened this year, and 5 things I hope for in 2018. Also another disclaimer: this one’s gon’ be a long one!

So in 2017,

1. I graduated from university at the age of 20. 20! I know they say age is just a number and that it shouldn’t be an indicator of how far you’ve gone in life because everyone goes through different paths to get somewhere but getting a degree is no mean feat, being given the opportunity to achieve it at a young age, more so – Alhamdulillah. I don’t think it hit me just how big of a day it was, until the day itself. That it wasn’t a day to just commemorate my graduation, but also to remind me that I survived. That in spite of my hardships, be it uni-related or personal matters, the tears, the stress, the anxiety, the breakdowns, the sleepless nights, I made it. (Not forgetting the good times I’ve had with my friends and everyone I’ve met along my degree journey who have made hard days at uni more bearable!)

No words can quite explain how I felt the moment I walked out of the hall to see proud faces on not just my parents but also both sets of grandparents (especially my grandmothers who cried! … so obviously I did, too). Knowing that you’ve made the people who have gone great lengths to raise you proud makes you feel quite… extraordinary and accomplished, and every synonym there is to happy. That it’s as if you’ve given them the world, although there isn’t an inch of me that wouldn’t if I could.

2. I ran a freakin’ marathon. Like, couch potato Silah Khairul, who would normally waste her days away in bed, actually trained and ran 42 gruelling kilometres. Who would’ve thought. I mean, honestly, even I didn’t have faith in myself. It was the very reason I chose to not tell anyone until literally weeks before the actual thing, hahahaha. Don’t know how I managed to pull through, but I kept my promise. I ran 42 kilometres around London and I honestly would do it all over again if it means getting another whole page feature on the local newspaper, I’m JUST KIDDING.

But really though, it’s one of the things that made me realise that I can only achieve great things when I go beyond my comfort zone and it’s a saying I’m starting to live by now. Like, my comfort zone is spending hours doing movie marathons, not being outdoors and running an actual marathon. But you know what they say, get you a girl who can do both.

3. I became more comfortable in my own skin. If there’s one thing I (or most girls, for that matter) struggle with the most, it’s self-love. I don’t think people talk about it as often as they should even if it can have such a big impact to some people, including me. I think every teenage girl had that constant need to fit in. Every girl wanted to be pretty, and be with someone who would always constantly sweep you off your feet and this relationship will last forever and ever (and of course, ahem, more important things like doing well in school and things that will actually lead you to a crazy amazing career). But spoiler alert 12-year-old Silah: life isn’t always a fairytale and guys ain’t shit, haha.

Honestly, I think this is the longest I’ve gone without dating someone since I ever started dating. I could, though, fill out an entire bingo card of love fails: from messing up what could’ve been a great relationship, being broken up with through my best friend before he actually broke up with me, being ghosted, being aimlessly led on for months (for nothing), you name it. But you know what, my heart can only handle so much and life goes on and life is still great. 12-year-old me used to think that not having a boyfriend means that you’re ugly and unworthy of someone’s love. Now, 21-year-old me thinks that not having a boyfriend means that no one’s worthy of your love, haha is perfectly fine!

I used to be so unnecessarily insecure, and I hated myself for the things I am not. I used to wish I was prettier, or smarter, and basically any positive quality there is! But when you’re on your own, you start appreciating yourself a little more. Your perspective then changes from why am I not enough, to I am enough on my own, having someone by my side is a bonus. My happiness used to depend so heavily on someone else, but I’ve been down Heartbreak Lane way too many times to know how hard it gets when you’re left all alone, feeling ever so hopeless and helpless. So I’ve learned to love myself more. Because you’re all that you have, and you deserve all the love there is.

Besides, I read somewhere (totally reliable source, aka one of those Featured Media on Snapchat Story) that being single at this point in life isn’t always a bad thing – because it’s also that period in life that you’re starting to discover yourself more. Not only do you get to do it in your own freedom, you get to focus on your own growth rather than worry about someone else’s needs, which I kind of agree with.

4. Not only did I practice self-love, I also became better at self-care! Especially in terms of fitness, and just recently, skincare. The fitness bit obviously came hand in hand with my marathon training, and if you’ve been following my blog for quite some time, you’d know how, ahem, well that went. Haha, but really though, even if my plans to run didn’t happen, I made it a point to always prioritise my fitness. So if I’m not running, I’m still up and about – it could be netball, or maximising my unlimited fitness classes privilege that came with my gym membership. So generally, I stepped up my game and did a little bit more than what I’d normally do.

But what’s I think is worth mentioning more is that I’ve finally come up with a skincare routine and have stuck to it! I have struggled with acne for the longest time and it doesn’t help that one of my worst habits is to always pick on them although it leaves really ugly scars. I am (or should I say, used to be) really rubbish with routine because I get so forgetful when it comes to these things. It wasn’t until my trip to Dubai when I splurged on some Kiehl’s products (when I say splurge, it really was just four products although it left a dent in my wallet because these things ain’t cheap!) that I thought I should start committing to one. And trust me, even with very minimal products (I had two each for day and night time), I struggled!

But slowly, it became a habit and I now have routines consisting of at least four products each. It’s rewarding when you start seeing results, which I think was what helped me the most I think – there are hardly any scars on my face anymore! I didn’t notice until I saw pictures of me from last year and legit cringed. I do still get some from recent breakouts every now and then, but it would normally fade within a week or so (which might seem long to some people, but is fairly quick for someone who had them for years!). I think my skin has never been better ever since I started breaking out and I love it.

5. I am living 16-year-old Silah’s dreams! I used to want to go to a university in a big city (that wasn’t London – why I was so against London is beyond me), but life happens and the universities that met my predicted grades and good enough (my sponsor didn’t allow universities that weren’t in the Top 50) weren’t in any big cities. I mean, I went to Loughborough. Don’t get me wrong, my three years there were nothing short of great and although small and quiet, it is an amazing uni and it really did grow on me.

But when final year came, I was exploring options of what I could do after finishing my degree (though I technically already had one). Then I came across information about the course I’m currently doing in UCL, and how it struck to me as exactly what I wanted to do. The plan was to apply just to see if I was good enough for a university as prestigious as UCL (again, not saying Loughborough isn’t, but I wanted to prove myself something!). But I got the offer and I had a change of heart, and Alhamdulillah for my rezeki and here I am, living the life 16-year-old Silah could only ever dreamed of after having them crushed. Though living on a student budget in London is a constant struggle, I do enjoy having KFC and Chicken Cottage less than five minutes away from me hahahaha #friedchickendiet.

In spite of all the the highs from my achievements, I fell into the lowest of lows too, mainly because I lost my great grandfather to cancer. I tend to find myself trying to avoid the topic these days because it still makes me tear up when I think of him and how he’s no longer here. I grew up being quite close to Nini, so I have nothing but fond memories of him. December’s also a special month for the family because Nini celebrates his birthday on Christmas Day, so December has always been about him.

This year was different because it was obviously our first without him and it was like losing him all over again. The fact that it still moves us all just goes to show how much he means to us and how big of a part he played in all our lives. My heart still aches knowing he’s no longer here, but tries to find comfort knowing that he’s lived his best life, and is in far better hands now. He may not be here anymore, but he will always live in me through the one thing he taught me: to always be dedicated. To the family, to the country, and more importantly, to our Creator. In a way, his passing was also an eye-opener for me to always appreciate and be grateful for the presence of my family and the people I have in my life (shoutout to each and everyone of you who have stuck by me, y’all are real MVPs!). Ok, that’s technically 6 things but I gotta keep it real and talk about my struggles too.

I really had to rack my brain to think of what resolutions to make, because face it, like any goal, it has to be realistic, achievable and specific. Like, I can’t say I want to be better because it’s just way too vague. Better in what sense? I sure have gotten a whole lot better in finishing a meal that could probably feed a family of 4. But that means my self-control and eating habits surely have worsened.

So, I hope that 2018 be a year of growth (no, not height wise – I’ve come to accept that I’ve stopped growing ages ago!)

1. I hope to be better, not bitter. One of the lessons I had to learn the hard way in 2017 was acceptance. I hold grudges less often, and I’m still learning to just forgive and let go. I realise that dwelling on how you’ve been wrong and how unfair it is for you brings nothing but negative energy, and you shouldn’t have to constantly feel like shit all the time. I hope that I learn to be more accepting, and through greater acceptance, comes greater resilience too. That in times of hardship, I’ll learn to see the light and take the good than the bad. Count my blessings than problems, you catch my drift!

2. I aim to have an improved wellbeing – both mentally and physically. It’s just one of those things that’s so, so underrated and not discussed enough! One of the things that I struggle with is that I beat myself up too much sometimes. Most days I’m happy and I tend to joke around a lot but that also means that when I’m feeling down, ohhh do I feel down. And often, I’d hate myself so much for not being able to just snap out of it. But I need to remind myself that there’s only so much that one can bottle up or sweep under the carpet – every now and again, it’s okay not to feel okay for a little bit.

One of my aims is also to try and walk more – in walkable distance, of course. Not only does the extra steps means that extra workout (it has to count as exercise, am I right?!), it also gives me time to calm my already busy mind.

3. I want to do at least one thing outside of my comfort zone. I don’t quite know what exactly, but I thought I’d figure it out along the year, haha. Last year, it was running a marathon after not having run long distance for years. But I seem to be reminded why I loved running in the first place, so I think I’ll obviously be doing more of that. The year before, it was taking two long haul flights on my own for the very first time (didn’t really help that the previous year saw two major aviation tragedies). But I find flying on my own rather relaxing now. I think conquering a fear or a mere thought that you’re incapable of doing something, makes you feel like you’re more than just your thoughts. That you’re capable of so much more than you think. And though these achievements seem small, it really does make you feel better about yourself.

4. I want to make more time to do the things I love. Which would be writing, running, reading. Gone were the days when I would have time to read to my heart’s content, and actually make time to work out. Lately, I’ve been way too demotivated to get out and run, and the weather doesn’t help either (then again, I’m just making up excuses for myself now, haha). With my ever-growing reading list in uni, this means that I can hardly find time to read leisurely. When I have a bit of time to spare, I’d normally grab a book and try to finish it in one sitting because I know it would take me months to pick it up again. Not that it stopped me from buying books, but the amount that I have bought but are still unread is just appalling, to say the least, haha. Seriously makes me miss the more carefree days when I could afford to spend hours and hours just reading (journal articles and textbooks obviously don’t count). So this year, I hope to read at least a book a month. If I could spare at least 20-30 minutes a day to read, that’d be great.

5. I want to be more appreciative. Which, I think was probably my resolution last year, too. Haha. But this isn’t just restricted to the people I have in my life, although this ironically stems from the fact that I lost someone so dear to my heart last year. I want to be more appreciative of the things I have, the life I have and pretty much everything really – even the bad. Now that it’s January (you can tell how long I took to write up this post…) and my second term of uni is about to start, I can imagine it going by a breeze and the next thing you know, I’ll be done with my Masters. So I think, in relation to resolution number 2, walking more means that I’d get to take in more of London, see more of it, enjoy more of it, you catch my drift. Although things are starting to get pretty hectic and my term hasn’t even started, I know in 20 years, I won’t even remember how I’d stress trying to meet my deadlines and getting my pre-research done in time. I’d remember all the dumb things 21 year olds do like spending money on unimportant things like a new pair of sports tights I definitely didn’t need (Well, I do have a 10k coming up in a month, so that dumb purchase is justified, hehe!), or how I’d tell myself to cook more but that takes more effort than walking to KFC and treat yourself to a solo fried chicken party.

I really do hope that the upcoming year will bring all of us more happiness and joy, filled with prosper and countless blessings. But having said that, I do hope that in the upcoming year, all of us will have the strength and patience to power through every hardship/obstacle that’ll come our way too! Hope everyone’s had a lovely start to the new year so far – mine has been spent binge watching Friends since their Netflix release, ahem while doing a whole lot of article reading, of course.

Until then x

21 things I learned by 21

I’ve been meaning to finish this post in time for my 21st birthday (exactly two months ago today!) but the last couple of months have been hectic for me – from running pre-departure errands to spending the little time I had left with my family to running even more errands to settle down and readjust to university life. But yes, I’m back in the UK to pursue my Masters!

It’s been so long since I last wrote – my last post was one I dedicated to my late great grandfather, 40 days after his passing back in May. Since then, I buried myself in tons and tons of reading and long hours of revision, finished my final exams, went home for raya, got my exam results and graduated from Loughborough (which I thought I’d write a post on, but I’ve left it way too late!). And then came my offer from UCL, which I decided to take up and then came the list with a million and one things to do before I leave, which left me with not much time to write.

Sounds like an awful excuse, I know, but I don’t think I really had the time to really rack my brain and think of something worthy of writing (other than my graduation, but I’ll spare everyone the graduation spam because I feel like a broken record thanking the same people over and over again). I think the longer you’ve been out of something, the harder it is to get back to it. But with the time I had alone in my long flights, I thought I’d write a list of 21 things I learned by 21 – something (hopefully) more positive than posts of my homesick bouts, although most definitely, much much longer than my normal posts! So grab a cuppa or some popcorn, haha.

1. There is a lot that your life can offer. There are so many opportunities for you out there, so grab as many as you can. Although there are many, the same one don’t come very often or easily. Believe in yourself, and take a chance. You may be pushed out of the comfort zone, but there’s this saying that goes “the greatest achievements don’t happen within (one’s) comfort zone” – with all the things I have achieved so far, I can vouch for that. But…
2. Things won’t always go your way. And that’s okay. Failing should never be a discouragement. Take it upon you to always, always, always continue trying because it means you’re working for what you want. But if you don’t end up getting what you want, then that’s okay, too. At least you know that you’ve worked your hardest, and that’s more than what makes the battle.
3. Have faith that what is coming will be better than what you have planned. I remember crying over boys who wouldn’t give two shits about me. I remember feeling like shit when my friends were overachieving and getting nothing lower than As in their exams when I could barely scrape an A regardless how hard I try. I remember crying for not being able to apply to my dream university (wrote about it here!). I’ve always dreamt of going to a university in a big city, but I ended up going to a university in a small town. After three years, I graduated with honours and I’m currently doing my Masters in London! You may not get what you want at first, but if it’s meant to be then it will come to you. Trust Allah and His plans, and that His plans will always be better than yours.
4. Don’t let self-doubt restrain you. I know this one is hard, because even I struggle with this sometimes. But when you start thinking that you can’t, then you can’t. You are what you believe. If you believe you can, then you can. Don’t just aim for the stars, reach for it. You are your biggest enemy, fight your negative thoughts and everything else should fall into place. I’ve missed out on so many things because I told myself I couldn’t do it when in fact, I was just too scared to try because my fear of failing was greater.
5. Never let your failures define you. You’re not incapable of being loved just because you’ve had so many failed relationships. You’re not incompetent just because you’ve failed so many exams, tests (there’s so many ways to be intelligent, really, not just doing well in your exams…). Things don’t work out sometimes but it doesn’t make you less of a capable person. Failures make you appreciate your success even more, just like the saying, you can’t win them all.
6. Go big or go home. Give your all in everything you do. When you put your heart into something, do it to the fullest. Do everything wholeheartedly, when all fails at least you know you did all you could. Because if you don’t then you’d wish you would have given more of you. You’d always dwell on the what ifs, and what could have beens. And trust me, they’re much harder to deal with than failing from giving something your all.
7. Always, always, always stay grounded. No amount of achievement or success should ever make you think you’re better than the next person. I heard this saying that goes, “if you have to say that you are (something), then you probably aren’t“.
8. Forgive, forget and let go. Never hold grudges, as hard as it can be. What makes your blood boil today will seem so little another day. What makes you upset today might be silly another day. If anything, holding onto grudges will only exhaust you. G i r l (or b o y, totally not judging if there are guys reading, haha), there are way better things to be spending your energy on than wasting it on resenting people who have wronged you. Forgive, forget, and let go.
9. Don’t let anyone’s words make you feel small. I remember that one time, I was 14 and just started wearing glasses regularly. I was so insecure over it because it made me feel so ugly, not that I ever really spoke to anyone about it because I just wanna see the world in HD. But soon enough I had a thing with this boy and I told him how insecure I was about my glasses. His reply? “Yeah, you look weird with glasses.” 14-year-old me just laughed along with him when it actually killed me and what little remains of my confidence. But really though, his words kinda stayed with me for a really long time when it shouldn’t have because he ain’t shit , and that was pretty much the reason why I really wanted to wear contacts. For the longest time, it took me a really long time to feel comfortable to be seen in my glasses.
10. Never compromise your worth and values just to fit in. You don’t have to do something you don’t enjoy just because your other friends are doing it. I understand that while it’s easy to be so influenced by your peers, if it means compromising your values and what you stand for, don’t do it. Stay grounded, remember who you are, remember where you come from, and embrace it. If they don’t agree, then they probably shouldn’t be your friends anyway, because true ones would understand. I mean, being a non-drinker myself, I got along just fine with the group of friends I made in uni for three whole years.
11. Do more of what makes you feel good. Like doing outdoor activities? Do more outdoor activities. Love spending the night in just binge-watching reruns of Gossip Girl or Gilmore Girls? Then spend as many nights in as you wish! Because you deserve just that, if not more. Things can get pretty rough at times, and you owe yourself at least that. Reward yourself after long days, or hard weeks with the things you love to do. It can be just as simple as treating yourself to your favourite dessert or a quick coffee run. Lately, I find myself treating myself to a nice meal or coffee after long hours of working in university – and on top of feeling productive, one can’t deny the power of food and coffee to lift your mood up even higher!
12. You, before anyone else. I don’t quite know how to put this in a rather less selfish way, but at this age, I’ve only come to realise that it really is the time for you to be selfish and put your needs ahead of others. And I think at this age, it can get a bit difficult when you’re with someone (I guess you can sort of get to an agreement, but your relationship, your business, not mine). I used to be in a relationship where, more often than not, I’d put his needs over mine. And I know, being in one just changes it, because your feelings make you just… voluntarily do it for someone because you love them – almost like it’s second nature. But there is a fine line between it being healthy and unhealthy, because at one point I felt like he put it to his advantage and used it to control me. To a point where I’d miss out on hanging out with my friends just because he’d be upset that he wouldn’t have my undivided attention. And I think when you’re with someone so young, both of you should still have time to do the things that you want to do. While there are some relationships that have lasted like, a million years, I’ve seen far more that grew apart and only then they realised how much opportunities and things they haven’t been able to take up simply because they don’t have the time to. So be selfish, think of what you want, and then what he/she wants. You have the rest of your life to worry about his or her needs, if you end up marrying him or her.
13. Your thoughts, worries, feelings, can be overwhelming. Never bottle them up! I personally think this one, everyone just struggles with no matter where they are in life, or how old they are. Because more often than not, I think it’s just generally the fear of feeling like a burden to someone. But find at least one person you can talk to regardless. It can be your sibling, one of your parents, or a really close friend (or if you’re with someone, then naturally, your boy/girlfriend #notbitter). Your brain is a wonderful place, it can accommodate a million and one thoughts in your head but you can still look calm on the outside. Kind of gives an impression that you’re doing ok, although every single thought is killing you. I think, ironically, as chatty and talkative as I can get, I still think I don’t really openly talk about many things to even the one’s close to me. It’s completely natural, I’d think, but when something bothers you, or if something worries you, talk to someone about it. I’ve had my fair share of really breakdowns, and trust me, it will never get better on its own. Sometimes, you just need to get it off your chest. You just need to find someone who’s willing to listen. They don’t have to tell you what to do, or give you pieces of advice. Sometimes you realise that whole weight just gets lifted off your shoulders once you speak of your thoughts. I think, it’s a way of formally acknowledging it, and sort of saying ‘I know you’re there, but I won’t let you bother me‘ to your thoughts. The longer you bottle it up, the more it’ll eat you up and affect you in the long run. Refer back to point #8. Let go.
14. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. I personally think, regardless where you are, mental health really still is stigmatised. I do think people here would talk about mental health issues more openly compared to Brunei, because they don’t believe of its existence. You may not physically see it, but it really does affect your life when you don’t address these problems appropriately. While clinical psychology services are free of charge in Brunei (so I believe at least), I do know that they can cost quite a lot in other countries. With technology, though, there’s not many things you can’t do. I used to get (something similar to, or actual – I’m not so sure myself) panic attacks especially when my uni workload gets overwhelming, but I wouldn’t really tell people about it because I mean… It’s uni, everyone’s struggling one way or another. Instead, with the ever so trustworthy Google, I found common techniques professionals usually teach in therapy. One thing led to another, I found that there are now apps that make you relax and teach you breathing techniques. I don’t quite remember which one I downloaded as there are lots on the AppStore, but one thing I can assure you, though, that it’s free bc broke ass students and an affinity for free stuff come hand in hand. And slowly, I think I found it in me to open up to my best friend about it, so I eventually talked to her about it.  I don’t get much of it now though, so I don’t know if they were something similar but not actual panic attacks, or if I’d just gotten better at managing it. And I do get that people respond to things differently (#individualdifferences innit) and it might be harder for them but pls don’t send me hate, I’m just speaking on my behalf! Also, I do realise that this kind of just ties in to some other points I have made in the list, but I mean… I’ve been racking my brain for 21 lessons, and although I’m sure I’ve learned more than that in my 21 years of living, but you can only think of so many things when you’re put under a great deal of pressure writing this a long overdue post!
15. Family, above all. I’m lucky enough to be born into a really close-knit family, albeit huge and ever-growing! I think it’s just one of the things that my great grandparents have instilled upon each and every one of us, really. My family used to have gatherings literally every chance we can get (this mostly means every week! from barbecues to costume parties or even things as simple as high tea), although we don’t do much of it nowadays. I just think the people in your family members are the ones you can count on regardless and are just generally your main support system, really. So appreciate every single second you have with them. Be grateful that you have them around, and never take them for granted. My parents, especially, never fall short when it comes to encouragement. More than anyone else, they’ve seen me fall over and over again, but they’ve also been the first ones to help me back up again. More than anyone else, they’ve sacrificed so much to provide for their two demanding but sweet and beautiful daughters. They hold the very same pair of hands that raised me and shaped me to become who I am, and get me where I am right now. More than anyone else, they’ve seen me through my struggles looking ever so helpless but still see me as someone as capable as can be. My grandparents and great grandparents, too, who have supported me just as much as my parents. They have given me the world, and I owe them nothing less.
16. Be grateful. For the life that you have. For your family. For your friends. For where you are. For who you are. For your health, and wealth, and safety. You really don’t realise what you have until it’s gone, so take time to be appreciate that you’re living the life that you have! There are little things that you may take for granted, but are big things that can change someone else’s life. Just recently, I was on the bus on one particularly cold morning (it was about 1-2°C), and saw a few homeless men sleeping by a shop entrance for shelter. And I think that made me rethink how I take just things as (ahem, dare I say…) simple as being able to afford to have a roof over my head, and a bed to sleep in every night. I was still freezing albeit layering up like crazy, I can’t begin to think how much worse it can be for them. Seeing how others have it worse first hand is nothing than actually bearing the weights of their world on your shoulders. Be thankful for your rezeki, and lend a helping hand when you can. Sometimes, it’s the smallest gestures that matter.
17. Everyone else is fighting their own battles. Never, ever take social media as judgment of whether they have their shit together or not. Truth is, everyone’s fighting their own battles. You may think your life’s hard, you deal with much more things than you’d tell people about. But that’s the case with everyone, too. When you’re used to sharing everything on social media (we all had that phase…), then you’d automatically think that their Twitter or Instagram accounts are acceptable bases of judgment. But I think, as you get older, it just becomes an unspoken rule that there’s more to someone’s life than their Instagram feed. Like, if I could tell anything to my 13-year-old-self who often feel little when I compare myself to others, the ones with the most aesthetic feed, or the ones who slay like crazy in every picture they post (not that this was the trend 8 years ago), aren’t at all like that all the time in real life. If anything, they’re just like me.
18. Stop trying to get on everyone’s good books. Don’t waste your time trying to please everyone because, spoiler alert: it will never happen. You can do nothing but good the rest of your life, yet there will still be people who will speak bad things of you. So stop beating yourself up and exhausting yourself just trying to get into everyone’s good books – you’ll end up wasting your life away.
19. You don’t always have to explain yourself. Your life, your decisions. Don’t ever think you owe everyone an explanation, especially if it doesn’t involve them at all. Live your life the way you want to, because again, refer to #18. Your life, your decisions, your rules, not anyone else’s but if you’re Asian maybe your parents’ rules la . (Side note: this most definitely doesn’t apply when this involves something like leaving someone hanging after reeling them in for months because dat shit hurts).
20. Take time off for yourself. Trust me, you’ll thank yourself. I’ve always spent most of my time on social media, or in front of a screen at least and I don’t think I realise how much of my life it takes up until I actually yknow, get up and do other things than just scrolling my life away on Instagram (most evil app, I tell you, I could spend hours on it without realising!). One of the reasons I really love the UK is that you can literally go out and about on your own without anyone judging you. You can go to a cafe, have a cuppa on your own and no one would bat an eyelid. You’re craving something but all your friends are busy, you decide to just go ahead and get your cravings fixed, but literally no one would care that you’re on your own company. This isn’t always the case in Brunei because everyone just assumes that you’ve got no friends which is kinda true too, hahahaha I’m kidding . It can take up to many different forms, really. I found that running was sort of my me-time when I trained for my marathon. When my thoughts get a bit muddled, I tend to write (you should see the amount of posts I have written in my drafts) just to get it off my chest. When I have a bit more time, I can actually spend hours reading and actually finish a book in one sitting. I think, even if you’re occupied doing something, doing it on your own just lets you calm down, and clear your mind off of whatever negativity there is in you. It makes you realise that being on your own helps you grow as a person.
21. No one does you better than you! Be proud of who you are, and all that you have achieved in life. Often I find myself thinking “I wish I could be more like (so and so)” or somewhere along the lines. The truth is, there’s really no point of comparing yourself and another person. That life was made for them for a reason, the same way your life was made for yours. No one would do better than you if they had the exact same life you have. So stay true to yourself, live your life to its full potential, stay grounded, be humble – be you! You may not seem much to yourself, but somebody out there will see their whole world in you, even in your truest form, through each and every flaw there is!

Aaaand that’s it! If you have made it to the end of this post, congratulations! And thank you for staying with me throughout my verbal diarrhoea tendencies, hahaha. Might take me a while to find the time to write up another post after writing what’s longer than I’d normally write for a uni assignment, lol! That, or when a guy upsets me and my Taylor Swift mode comes on so I write a post about how life goes on and he ain’t shit, whichever comes first.

Until then x

 

remembering nini

Just under twenty one years ago, my mother gave birth to her first-born, me. I am the first grandchild, and great grandchild in both my maternal and paternal family. My parents have cousins who are about my age, and some are even much younger than me. But I grew up seeing many of them as my own cousins, too. But more importantly, my grandparents were like my parents, too, and I was as close to my great grandparents as I was to my grandparents, especially on my mother’s side.

Like any other family, mine is ever-growing as if it is not big enough already. Still, we see each other quite a lot and are quite close, although part of the reason is how many of us live either in the same simpang or just a few simpangs down. I spent most of my early childhood years with my maternal side of the family. Back then, we used to have barbecue nights over Formula 1 races and (even back in the day when AF was pretty much the in thing) Akademi Fantasia concerts, fancy dress themed birthdays, and sometimes even just having tea outside with Babu’s (my late great grandmother) kuehs in the afternoon as everyone comes home from school and work.

School holidays usually meant sleepovers at Nini (my late great grandfather) and Babu’s with my cousins. When I was younger, we used to sleep in their room mainly because they had three different sets of tv (one that’s always on a News channel, the other for some other channel Nini felt like watching, and the last one was Babu’s), although much to our dismay, none of the Astro sets in the room were subscribed to all of the cartoon channels so we had very limited choice! As I grew a bit older, we started sleeping in the living room instead with ‘bigger’ kids. Long before the days where weddings were held in hotels and halls, everyone had theirs at their own homes. So naturally, having a huge family, Nini and Babu have loads of chairs that were used for pelaminans, so me and my cousins would play pretend and take turns to be a bride – I swear I may have ‘gotten married‘ at least five times in my childhood, haha. We’d stay up all night although I can’t remember much of what we actually got up to. But I mean, school holidays with your cousins, and no parents to tell you when to sleep? Gah, it was everything a kid could ask for.

December school holidays were particularly the most exciting one out of the others that we have. Mainly because we have the whole month off and Nini celebrates his birthday on the 25th. So every 25th of December, Nini would host a gathering for his family, friends, colleagues and even people from the same kampong. We’d have a variety of food stalls manned by family members, which slowly became a competition on whose stall served the best food. But I guess one of the highlight was the lucky draws, too. I remember me and my cousins getting all excited seeing all the prizes up for grabs being delivered and slowly fill up the living rooms (also low-key calling dibs on the prizes we wanted to win, and hoping that you don’t get one of Nini’s kambing).

One thing about Nini, if you haven’t worked it out, is that he is so very kind and has the biggest heart. He doesn’t just care for his family, but everyone he knew, too. He doesn’t just host a massive gathering over his birthday, but over the first day of Eid after the morning prayers, too. His place is always open to anyone who wanted to join us over Tarawih prayers or Tadarus over Ramadhan and he would insist that you stay to have some tea and cakes after.

Both Nini and Babu spoiled us rotten, though. I think I’d probably understand it better when I’m in their shoes, and have kids (or even grandkids) of my own, but I know they feel joy knowing they make us happy. My great grandmother, Babu, spends most of her day in the kitchen. She makes the best kuehs, and would tirelessly cook up a storm to feed her family without fail, every single day. Not once have I heard her complain that she’s tired, or when we’d try to grab some kuehs before she even gets to serve it. Nini, on the other hand, would gladly take us to the convenience store and let us get anything (except chewing gum!). Nini had a way to get in his (great) grandkids’ good books. He’d always have ice cream in his freezer whenever we come to visit, and without fail, we’d always have our own fireworks display every year.

If there’s another thing they have in common, it’s their dedication.

My Friday mornings would normally start with piano lessons, before joining the ‘Girls Club‘ for breakfast and sometimes a weekly shop. Girls Club, because well, it was mainly always us girls of four generations – my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother and her sisters, and me and my cousins. Babu would always insist on going to the tamu first thing in the morning, and then choose a place to eat (she has her favourites but she doesn’t remember names, but rather how the tables are set up, or what colour tablecloth the tables had, haha). By 11, she’d worry and would ask if we could rush home because she wanted to start cooking for Nini and have a meal ready for him by the time he comes home from his Friday prayers. I used to get upset over having to rush home time and again, week in week out, but now that I look back, 10000% #goals!!!

Out of my 20 or so years knowing Nini, most of it was spent seeing him work tirelessly, dedicating his life to the nation just to provide for his family. While many would see him in the newspaper or on television screens over coverage of the many big events Brunei has had, I dare say that that’s just part of it. We’ve seen him work on many huge flags that would be raised in the capital before big events. We’ve seen him work until late hours in spite of his age. We’ve seen him in the hospital, repeatedly asking the doctor how soon he could return back to work. How the first place he dropped by as soon as he was discharged is his office and not home, just because there was a big event coming up. We’ve seen him still working in his hospital room, just because he couldn’t be away from work for so long.

As I got older, we have outgrown the sleepover phase. Every visit to Nini and Babu’s house would start with the warmest welcome from the both of them, and ends with “Bila lagi tidur sini?” (“When are you sleeping over again?”). With every visit, would undoubtedly be followed by a peek of what food there is on the table in case Babu made your favourite kueh (love Babu’s karipap and wajid!). But Nini and Babu’s house will forever give me that feeling of nostalgia, of where I spent my childhood, of the house that wasn’t my own but is filled with so much love and fond memories. Every visit gave me the same excitement I had when I was young, excited to see my Nini and Babu.

But over three years ago, Babu started to get unwell. She was in and out of the hospital, and occasionally having had to fly to Singapore for treatment. This went on for quite some time but I had already been in boarding school then so I didn’t know what it was exactly. I remember finding out that it was a later stage of cancer – I was scared to say the least, but hopeful. But Babu’s health was just slowly deteriorating. She looked weaker and frail after every visit. It was around the same time that I was in my last few months of A Levels (kind of important then as it determined which uni I’d go to), I think I had a mock exam around the corner, too. But I felt so guilty for not seeing her, so I went to see her this one day. I remember that I stayed there longer than I should’ve, but I’m glad I did because Babu left us the day after. I wasn’t at the hospital then, but we rushed as fast as we could. I didn’t know it then, I just thought she was just getting really weak, but I had a gut feeling when I started seeing many family members looking rather distraught as they walk the opposite direction. I remember walking to the room, seeing so much more family members crying. Some by the bed side, where Babu laid. I walked up to her bed side, hugged her body tight and having to come to terms that that would be the last time I’d get to do so.

That day, I think Nini wanted to be strong for everyone. But weeks after, he wasn’t himself. He was slowly losing his appetite because none of them were cooked by Babu. He was slowly forgetting things, but I wouldn’t blame him. I guess his place started to feel a little bit lonely without Babu who he’s spent so many years of his life with.

I don’t quite remember when exactly Nini’s started being admitted in and out of the hospital, too, but in the early days, I took it so lightly – mainly because I wasn’t home and more often than not I wouldn’t know that he’s in the hospital either (which I’d like to think was so I wouldn’t get unnecessarily worried…). Nini would always look out for me, though. Every time my mum visited, he would ask for me. At one point, he even mistook my aunt for me. I remember having to go on FaceTime with him while I was at Junjung Ziarah in London (which, by the way, was impossible to get good connection) because he was looking out for me. The smile on his face when he saw me, priceless – this was the case every time I saw him on FaceTime.

Some time four months ago, I had the biggest scare of my life. Many family members gathered in the hospital room to keep Nini company. He was at his weakest that day, and I had to rely on Whatsapp updates from home. I cried but it didn’t make me worry any less. I prayed, and end up crying even more reciting prayers, hoping that He grants Nini strength. Each second made me a little more anxious, although I flinch every time my phone rings. I wanted to know that he was okay, but I was scared of the possibility of receiving bad news. Things looked brighter not long after that, but I knew that day on, that I will never be prepared for when the day truly comes.

That day came 40 days ago. I woke up to four missed calls, and a whole lot of messages expressing their condolences. I immediately called home and felt numb throughout. I didn’t know what to feel. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t know what to do. I kept a strong front, but the waterworks started the moment I hung up. It hit me that I’d return home and I won’t be able to see him anymore. It hit me that when I come home, my visits to Bengkurong won’t ever be the same when I visit his place. It hit me that when I come home, I won’t return to Nini’s warm embrace. My heart still breaks when I remember that Nini’s no longer here, but it’s finding peace in knowing that he’s in a much better place and he’s no longer in pain.

When I remember Nini and Babu, I don’t want to remember them when they were at their weakest, bed ridden by cancer, who’s probably become one of my biggest enemies now. So this is how I’ll remember Nini and Babu. For the people that they are, and the person they have taught us to be – compassionate, dedicated and selfless. Dedicated to the family. Dedicated to the nation. Dedicated to our Creator.

Pictures of me with my great grandparents, the last time I was home for Nini’s birthday. Coincidentally, also the last time Babu was around for his birthday. 

Though you are not here anymore, we pray that He grants both of you the highest of Jannah, always. If you are still reading this by now, please take some time from your day and send your prayers to the greatest great grandparents, my Nini, Pg Seri Wijaya Pg Hj Ahmad bin Pg Md Yusof, and Babu, Datin Hjh Tengah binti Haji Abdul Ghani. Al Fatihah.

my first marathon!

Around this time last year, I was just catching up on YouTube and it just so happened that two YouTubers I was subscribed to had just run the London Marathon. If you’ve seen any marathon-related videos or heard marathon stories, then you’d know that it involves a whole lot of emotions but incredibly inspiring.

This time last year, I hadn’t been running as much as I used to but something about watching the videos inspired me so so much that I started considering to take part. Started to look up how to enter and found out that the public ballot entry system was opening in a week-ish. So I thought, okay, a marathon’s no joke so I should sleep on it rather than making an impulse decision. Talked to someone to make sure I wasn’t out of my mind, so after a few sleeps and a whole lot of encouragement, I decided to give it a shot. (Although.. Not gonna lie, I was half-hoping I wouldn’t get it because I didn’t think I could do it)

Fast forward to October 2016, this came in the mail… 

I couldn’t believe I actually got in (I recently just found out that there were over 250,000 applicants and I was one of the lucky 20% (correct me if I’m wrong!) that got a place). Never really wanted many to know to begin with because as much as I wanted to do it, I was still filled with so much self-doubt so I didn’t break the news to anyone but one. But that one reaction gave me more than enough encouragement that I immediately secured my place just so I wouldn’t chicken out.

With very little mileage under my belt in the last couple of months, I thought I’d better get my legs moving to prepare myself for Mark Yelling’s 16-week training plan for first-time marathon runners. Since it would be my very first marathon, and not having run any further than 10k, I decided to have a go at a half marathon in March. So I signed up for the Adidas Silverstone Half Marathon too.

I think throughout the whole training period, it was managing my time between uni and running that I struggled with the most. I find myself getting extremely lazy later in the day so most of my runs were in the morning. But it was incredibly hard to get up early in the cold mornings of winter.

Came January, I had my exams. And I know it seems too silly as an excuse, but being in the final year of my degree, at times that I struggle with time management, it’s my uni work that I knew I must prioritise. My three-day-a-week training sessions sometimes turned to two or even one, at times I felt particularly stressed, my runs became my stress relief as much as four times a week. And slowly, the training plan no longer became a plan but rather just an indicator as to where I should be.

Again, life gets in the way, things don’t go to plan, and my training wasn’t going as well as I hoped it would. By March, I had only ran as much as 7k. I was just a week away from my first half marathon at Silverstone, and I didn’t know what to expect. It would’ve been my longest run, ever. I felt so overwhelmed and so underprepared. I didn’t know any pre-run rituals, so I skimmed through many pre-run advice etc and tried to follow it. It’s a dry run for the actual big day (aka the marathon), they said.

Half-marathon day, I grabbed some breakfast before heading off to the coach meet-up point. It was a 2-hour journey and I was nervous as ever. At this point, still, although some knew I was running a half marathon, there weren’t many that knew of my plans to run a full marathon. And I guess it was the support and encouragement I would’ve gotten had they known earlier that could have helped me through my whole journey, especially in the anxiety (and its sorts) department. But I still felt incapable to some degree, and I feared that people would be surprised to know that I will be running a marathon. I feared that their disbelief would turn to discouragement, as if I didn’t have enough self-doubt that’s holding me back already.

We were greeted with rain, which stayed until we flagged off. All in all, it was just generally an awful day of running for me (I may just be too hard on myself for this one!). I think my anxiety just consumed me, and the rain only made it worse. It was cold and I was so sure that the rain wouldn’t clear up so I kept my sweatshirt on – big mistake. I thought, even if the rain stopped, the sun wouldn’t be out anyway. Huge mistake.

The rain cleared up, the sun was out, and I was soon in major discomfort. As early as the third mile. With my shoes and socks soaked from the rain, it wasn’t long before I felt blisters forming and I already had two to begin with. It was my first proper long run and I went a bit too easy on myself. I’d take the longest walk break as soon as I felt pain, feel slightly guilty so I pick up my pace and jog a little, feel the slightest exhaustion so I’d walk again, and the cycle goes on.

It became progressively harder, I was hungry and slightly annoyed that it’s taking me so long to finish, but always listen to your body, I remember reading so many times, so I took my time, haha. My feet were aching like crazy, and I thought that was already punishment enough so I shouldn’t be any harder on myself. Not gonna lie, it was no help that the course was awfully quiet and that I could see more and more people making their way out of the venue. I was so close to just give up but I kept telling myself, I’ve gotten this far, I didn’t get this far only to get this far.

With some encouragement from fellow runners who probably could tell I was on the verge of giving up from a mile away, I managed to push myself and eventually crossed the finish line, clocking in at 2:55:09. Scored me one of these too!

Makes it special because it was my first everything – first half marathon (also my longest run.. ever!), first running medal, etc. It was arguably my biggest achievement to date and I was buzzzzzin – also then realised how my average pace wasn’t that bad considering how much walk breaks I took so I stopped beating myself up over it.

The next couple of weeks were harder, I was meant to increase mileage and go for runs longer than my half but it was the same month my dissertation was due. My runs were my escape but I couldn’t take too much time out without feeling guilty of leaving my work behind. Between my half and full marathon, I hadn’t gone any further than my half and by the time I had more time to spare, it was time to decrease mileage. So really, my training didn’t go as well as it should’ve been. It’s definitely one of the things I would change if I could turn back time or if I were to run another marathon.

I received my final instructions pack and it suddenly hit me. I will be running a marathon, and I don’t feel prepared at all. I was nervous, but I wasn’t just going to put whatever work I had put in the last couple of months to waste. Come race week, I set out my packing list – things to pack for London, things to pack for race day, making sure I had everything I need (my race day outfit, my registration form to pick up my kit, my gels, my armband, everything..).

En route to London, I was in the train with so many other runners, many studying the whole 26.2-mile course. Headed to Excel the same day to pick up my race kit and sat through a talk on getting through race day. Pace yourself well, I remember her say. A realistic target for yourself would be double your half marathon time plus an extra 10-15 minutes, she continues. So I worked out that it would be around 6:05 for me, based on my half marathon time. There was an inkling that I could finish under 6 hours, but I will not beat myself up if I didn’t, I promised myself. After all, it would be my very first full marathon, and completing it would be enough achievement anyway.

Night before the race, I could barely sleep as nerves consumed every inch of me. I don’t think I slept properly until 2am.

Race day. I got up 3 hours later at 5. Got ready an hour after and headed off for breakfast – coffee (essentially..) and porridge, as I’ve gathered to be the best breakfast option based on many pieces of advice from experienced runners. Quick chat with my family back home to ease the pre-race jitters and then headed off to the start line all the way in Blackheath.

I think I had roughly about an hour and a half before flag off and seeing the crowd only made me feel more anxious! Everyone seemed to have it together, knew what to do, and then there I was thinking, how soon do I need to start stretching? How much do I have to hydrate before flag off? Should I use a sachet of my gel before?

So many thoughts running through my head, and I was so overwhelmed by emotions that I was constantly on the brink of crying. Pretty sure I cried at least twice before flag off! Haha. Twenty minutes before 10, I started heading off to the pen, along with many other runners and tried to compose myself (but nah.. I started crying again, lol). We were allocated in pens based on our estimated finish time and I was at the very back so I didn’t officially start until quarter past.

But when I officially did, boy, was the crowd loud. Pace yourself, pace yourself, pace yourself, I repeated to myself. Realised that I was somehow caught in the sub-5:00 group (and clearly, is way faster than my estimated finish time of 6:05, although I was targeting for somewhere between 5:30-5:45 that day), so I slowed down a bit. In comparison to my half, I actually managed to keep running for the whole first half of the course. At one point I was 15 minutes ahead of where I should be.

What I read was true, the crowd really did play a big part. Many spectators holding out their hands for high fives, children as excited as they can be when you reach out for them – it was amazing to say the least. It was their smiles, and their cheers that somehow kept me going. It was the mass of people that were with me that kept me running, I didn’t even realise how far I’d gone! Crossed the 5k mark, then slowly 10k, and then 15k, and before I knew it, I was approaching the 20k mark.

The halfway point was one of the biggest highlights of the day. There couldn’t have been a better location for the halfway point other than Tower Bridge. I ran, taking in the ever so beautiful scenery, taking in the atmosphere, of the ever so loud spectators. And then I officially reached the halfway point, clocking in at 2:37:07. I was so incredibly happy, that’s just 2 minutes shy of running a whole 20 minutes quicker than I had last month!

And then I started feeling all sorts of pain everywhere. My shins started hurting, my ankles were feeling a bit wonky, my back, my neck, everything. And coincidentally, it was as if my body and the songs in queue were in sync. Crashing, hit a wall.. Was this ‘the wall’ everyone was talking about? With everything in my body starting to ache like crazy, I was sure that I had officially… reached ‘the wall’. We had reached the quieter part of the course, everyone was more scattered so it was easier for me to just.. stop. I slowed down so so much, occasionally trying to run again but only found myself in greater pain the more I tried.

Again, I was on the brink of a breakdown. Again and again. I was always on the verge of just crying because it became so difficult. Thinking, what in the world was I thinking when I signed up for this? Thinking, Have I underestimated the demands of a marathon? No, it’s not enough to just have the physical strength, or to be fit. There’s a lot of emotional and mental strength that goes in this too. Because even in the presence of so many spectators and fellow runners, it was my thoughts that were the loudest. And at that time? I just wanted to give up. So many times I passed by the First Aid tents, I considered stopping. But I thought, no, you’re stronger than this. You have to keep going. You can finish this, all the work put in the past few months will not go to waste. You will cross the finish line, you will wear that finishers medal.

So I picked myself up, pushed myself and brisk-walked my way through the next 15k. I slowly lost what was at one point my 15-minute lead, but I slowly didn’t care anymore because I just really wanted to finish. Every step forward is a step closer to the finish, I repeated. It was that day that I realised, who would’ve thought that a kilometre was actually THIS far? As I kept going, the mile markers slowly showed, 20… 21… 22… 23… 24… At 25, I thought, alright, just 1.2 miles to go. My very last 1.2, I’ve completed 25, what’s another 1.2?

It felt like the longest ever, but I gave it my all. I ran and passed so many people, seeing markers every 200m indicating how much closer I was to the finish line. Never will I underestimate how ‘short‘ 200m is. My legs were still aching, but this is it. The finish. The crowd got louder (so loud I couldn’t hear my friends cheering for me!), and I started to quicken my pace. I felt a thousand and one feelings, and I officially crossed the finish line at 5:42:12. Within my target time range, and half an hour quicker than my estimated finish time.

Considering my training didn’t go the way it should have gone and not having run any further than a half marathon, my first full marathon was more than I could ever ask for. In spite of my struggles through the course, the day couldn’t have turned out any more perfect. Perfect weather for running, perfect atmosphere, perfect location. More often than not, your firsts are always special and I’m glad I chose London as my first full marathon. It was an incredibly beautiful day, and while my post-marathon sore is slowly going away, it will take a while for me to come down from cloud nine and get over this achievement.

I think I’m gonna wear my medal for the rest of the week now. And I know that this is just a start to many more. I’ll be back one day, London. Thank you for such an incredible experience.

breathe

With the big dissertation deadline just looming around the corner, the last two weeks have been quite hectic for me to say the least. Spent a whole week with my family who came to visit (would’ve been a whole week plus a day if it weren’t for my cancelled train, cheers Storm Doris! 😒), got me a bit off-track from my work for a bit because let’s be real, long hours shopping in the streets of London shouldn’t be followed by long hours of work, especially if you’ve got another long day filled with shopping plans again the next day, and the day after, and the day after… (Yeah, they came here to shop, and see me while they’re at it #killingtwobirdswithonestone)

Although I did try and get some reading done here and there, add on some bits and pieces into my dissertation because amidst the fun times of shopping (and sneaking things on my shopping list into their shopping baskets), my dissertation draft was due the day after they left. So you could imagine the state of panic I was the moment they left – just trying to get as much done so I could get as much feedback as I possibly could. When it comes to writing up pieces of work, there’s nothing more that I hate than submitting unfinished work, but I had to respect the deadline set by my supervisor and I thought, I’d take bad feedback than no feedback (as we’re only given one chance to submit a draft to be given feedback for – how many times have I mentioned the word feedback again?!).

So that, I’ve done, but it still doesn’t give me a free pass to just sit back and relax while waiting to hear back from my supervisor and it’s work mode all the way for me when I’m not in my lectures or taking a break at the gym. On top of that, there’s work from other modules too, and I’ve got to keep up with my training to make sure I’m good to run end of next month, and more often than not I find myself wishing that there was more than just 24 hours in a day because I can’t even find the time to breathe!

Somehow time’s just flying by too fast and I feel like I’m barely keeping up. It’s scary to think that in three weeks, I won’t not only finish my dissertation but have already submitted it! And in three weeks, it’ll be time for our Easter break already. A whole month off, and then it’ll be May already. Come May, I’ll be busy with my two deadlines and a presentation and then it’ll be the end of May already, which means I’d have started my exams. Give or take two weeks, then I’ll be done with my exams already. And then before you know it, it’s time to go home, and graduate, and bid my undergraduate life goodbye. And that’s when real life kicks in.

Scary how fast time flies and you tend to get so caught up in the things you’re doing that you forget to just.. breathe and live a little. I hardly ever come out of the comfort of my cave unless I need to be in uni for my lecture or going out for a run/to the gym, and I can feel it slowly sucking out the life out of me, haha. It’s sad to think that these things consume so much of your time, and although time management is key, it’s something I (and I know I’m not alone in this) struggle with now and again. Most times I feel like I can’t put the time and effort into my uni work to get good marks and simultaneously make the most out of what’s left of my time here. So it’s going to be a little quiet around here for some time (like it hasn’t been already…) while I face what could arguably be the busiest weeks (or even months!). And I know one day, I’ll look back and think “Ah, I shouldn’t have stressed myself out so much”, but I guess right now all I really need to focus on is to just get that piece of paper just to say I made it. And while I’m at it, just breathe a little.

Until then x

#loveyourself

(Not a Justin Bieber reference, whatsoever!)

Every new year’s eve, I try to make it a point to NOT make any resolutions for the coming year because let’s face it (and I know I’m not alone in this!), come second week of January I won’t even remember any of them! And before you yawn and call me lame for only talking about resolutions the second month of the year, in my defence, I didn’t think I had one to begin with.

I had one of those conversations that led to some sort of sudden realisation. You know when you catch up with one of your (if not the) closest friend(s) and you just update with each other on what you’ve been up to and realise how much things have changed since the last time you properly talked? Yeah.

Know how some of my previous posts talked about trying to overlook the bad and focus on the good? Yeah.

It just hit me that that’s where I’ve been lately. Before I sleep, I try to recap at least one good thing that happened to me that day, which could be anything really. Today, for example, a supervisor meeting that went well despite my nerves and fear of being roasted as to why there hasn’t been much progress with my project. Or improving my runs and getting new personal bests. Even if it wore me out like crazy. Yesterday was a bit rough when I realised that none of my friends (or coursemates that I actually talk to) took the module that I did which made me feel a bit out of place. But I cooked dinner, and it was so so good. Monday felt a bit off because it was the first day of term and my first day (if you get what I mean, sorry, had to be TMI to put it into context, haha). So I felt a huge wave of emotions, and because I was so used to having Mondays off (haven’t had any Monday lectures for a year) that I really didn’t feel like getting out of bed. My horrible cramps became a deterrent, too. I had to cut my run short, although I managed a 2k, non-stop. Something I’d never imagine doing with cramps (probably shouldn’t have done it but my stubbornness got the better of me). Went to my lecture anyway, which turned out good as it is one of my major interests to begin with.

And then I realise how much this small thing made a huge change to my perspective on life. I’m not saying that you should celebrate every little thing that you do, but sometimes, you gotta give yourself a bit more credit. If anything, I’m the harshest judge on myself, and more often than not, I discredit myself more than others ever will. And I guess that’s the danger of it. You are who you see yourself as. And if all you’re ever going to do is to be harsh on yourself, then you will never be good enough for yourself, let alone anyone else. You’ll think you’re undeserving of anything good because you don’t see yourself as good. You see yourself as a combination of so many flaws too much that you discredit your good traits. After all, even in friendships, in relationships, marriages, and the likes, at the end of the day, there’s only so much time that someone can be there for you. That sometimes, you’ve got to learn to deal with things on your own, too. So in the absence of others, it’s your thoughts that are the loudest. And when those thoughts are somewhere along the lines of you’re no good, you should be more like X, or more like Y, you don’t deserve this because this thing’s too good for you, you know what happens? You start believing it. You start acting according to the things you label yourself. You’ll never accept anything good in your life because you believe you’re not good enough. You push away anyone and everyone you think are ‘too good’ for you. But upon whose judgment? Yours. Based on whose thoughts? Yours. And that’s the dangerous thing isn’t it, how your own thoughts can cause your own destruction, whether you realise it or not.

There’s a saying that goes no one knows you better than yourself, but you, too are your harshest judge. More often than not, you tend to discredit yourself more than others. In no way am I trying to encourage boastfulness and narcissism, but sometimes a little more credit for yourself will do you more good than harm, trust me. Acknowledge your little achievements. Celebrate your small successes. The littlest things count, too. I think that’s why most times we feel like failures. We focus too much on our ‘big‘ goal, that we don’t realise that there are small, more achievable goals along the way.

Take for example, training for a big competition. You don’t become the best version of you, or achieve your fullest potential right after your first training session. No one was born great, and great things take time and a hell lot of patience. Life’s greatest journeys and achievements begin with one step and more often than not, you won’t feel any difference to begin with. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not capable. Because once you see yourself as incapable, then it takes a whole lot of work to change the way you see yourself. Because once you see yourself as incapable, then you’ll start believing that you’re incapable. Because once you see yourself as incapable, you’ll start feeling helpless. And it’s this helplessness that’s destructive. It’s this helplessness that will slowly kill you and suck up every ounce of capability of seeing the good in yourself.

And let me be the first to admit that I have the tendency of seeing myself as incapable too. I have the tendency of overthinking, of feeling so inadequate and insignificant, of feeling so undeserving of anything good. It didn’t occur to me until that time when I was just casually talking about how things are going that I realised how a small change to the way I think can make a huge difference. Taking some time out from your day to reflect and think of just one good thing that happened… actually changes you. When you really put some thought into it, you’d end up with more than one thing to be grateful for. This can be one thing you’ve achieved, something good that happened, anything positive, really. Most days I find myself thinking “Yeah, that was good… Hold on, that happened too, and that kinda made me happy, too” and the cycle repeats, because to be honest, I don’t think there can ever be an exhaustive list of the things you’re grateful for.

Don’t get me wrong, I still haven’t fully mastered the art of #positivevibesonly, but I’m starting to see the impact of putting yourself first for you, and prioritising your own happiness over others’. Not in a selfish kind of way, but I truly believe that you can’t really genuinely be happy if you can’t accept yourself and more importantly if you can’t love yourself. I truly believe that in order to be more accepting towards others, and to love another the best way you possibly could, is to do the same for yourself first. While I sit here (a week after I had started typing out this post, to be honest), eyes swollen as I’m up a little bit past my bedtime, feeling sort of hypocritical because I still have my overthinking tendencies (on top of many others…) that do me more harm than good, I feel like it’s the initiation and will of wanting to get there is what matters. Like everything else in life, there will be setbacks and I will crumble and fall and breakdown but as long as I realise that I have something new to be grateful for each day, what a wonderful life He’s blessing me with, Alhamdulillah.

 

trials and tribulations

My sanctuary of a blog turned one! Been over a year since my very first post (my 2015-in-a-nutshell) which.. I’ve been meaning to write a 2016 version of but I was in London for almost two weeks with family (also got to sneak in a bit of me-time after they left!). It’s probably the longest I’ve been away from Loughborough apart from summer break that I came home with a flu (plus a looming sore throat) that I have yet to recover from. But before my sleeping pattern goes haywire again from all the exam and dissertation stress this month, I thought I’d take some time to write a little (but let’s be real, we all know it’s going to be another case of ahem unintentional verbal diarrhoea to some degree).

2016.

Where do I begin?

I’ll go with the cliche and say that I’ve had my fair share of good days and bad, haha. Some days I find myself so happy that my face and tummy hurts from smiling and laughing so much, and some… weren’t so great that I spend my day in bed crying over things I overthink and overanalyse. But all in all, 2016 can pass off as a somewhat… good year.

The year I’d gotten so much closer to someone who has made me happy in unfathomable ways that I didn’t think was possible. Who reminded me what butterflies feel like, and what it’s like to smile over the little things and how they matter. On what it’s like to just, feel again. To be happy, and upset and hurt. To laugh over our inside jokes, and argue over the littlest things. To be so comfortable that the walls that I built around me just crashed even before I knew it.

The year of opportunities. Of my first ever work experience (in clinical psychology) – I couldn’t be too involved due to confidentiality and a possible risk of losing build rapport but I enjoyed what I was able to get myself involved in, from interacting with kids (still on that dream to specialise in Child Psychology, not even gonna lie) to assisting intelligence testing etc. Of my very first time public speaking, where I spoke in front of a crowd of over 2,000 people of which also included some members of the royal family at my aunt’s wedding. Got praised so much that I almost forgot how nervous I felt standing before every single person there was in the hall and considered doing it professionally. Even had people ask me if I could speak at their wedding, haha.

The year of achievements. Of surviving hell week (three deadlines and a test) – and actually doing well for each and every one of them, even managed a high first for one of my reports! Of just surviving second year and maintaining my grades, which undeniably wasn’t exactly easy given the added pressure of every piece of coursework and exam grade being taken account for my degree classification. Of learning how to cope with my bouts of anxiety. Of learning to love myself again, and embracing my me-time.

The year of struggles. Trials and tribulations. From being so emotionally invested in what’s uncertain. To hell week. To the inevitable stress that follows you around in university – how I struggled to keep myself together from studying for my one and only exam before summer because all I wanted to do was just rest after one whole work-filled month to my final year project.To days I didn’t feel like getting out of bed because I just felt so empty and alone. To my bouts of homesickness, and longing to be home.

And 2017?

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know this year will be my biggest year to date. On another note, I recently took a random food quiz on BuzzFeed that’ll tell my future in 2017 out of boredom and this is what I got… 

Now everyone can stop wondering why Chace Crawford was in Brunei over New Year, hehe. (If you need me to spell it out for you, he went to seek my parents’ blessings hahahahaha a girl can dream!).

Jokes aside, I do believe that this year will be no different from others. That I’ll get my butt kicked and I’ll be ultimately tested in so many ways, but I believe that He tests the ones He loves, and He tests his strongest and bravest soldiers – if He puts me through it, then He will bring me through it. I don’t intend to make any big resolutions as I hardly ever keep to it because I always end up forgetting them a few weeks into the new year, but all I aim this year is to always have faith that days will get better. That one day, I’ll get to taste sweetness after going through bitterness. And it will be worth it.

But until then, come at me 2017!

 

the thing about pain

A deadline’s just around the corner, so I’ve had numerous bouts of homesickness and breakdowns from overwhelming stress and pressure.

“Easier said than done” is an unwritten rule which applies to everything, and that includes to not be hard on yourself. If it was as easy as saying it to someone, I think everything will be a walk in the park. In an ideal world, I’d have made all of my deadlines without any form of stress, and no tears will be involved. But we don’t live in an ideal world.

I swear, if there was a theme for my blog posts it’ll be either being stressed or feeling homesick, haha. I feel like it’s been particularly the most difficult for me this time round, but I guess it’s got to do with the pressure of being in third year (aka when literally everything counts). Because I genuinely don’t remember feeling anything as close to this my first few months here in the previous years. Not even in my first year, when I felt so lonely in uni because everyone seemed to have bonded with each other from their nights out. Not even in my second year, when I came back with fresh wounds of a breakup. But back to my point.

Most times I don’t realise that there’s a silver lining in difficult times, too. Most often I just resent my ~misfortune~ and think, “Am I really that bad of a person that things can never work out for me?” (Kinda links with my previous post, how we tend to take our blessings for granted because we think too much of our misfortunes, really).

Most often we don’t realise that shit difficult times, that misfortunes, that pain, is inevitable. So really, I may not be that bad of a person after all… You can be the biggest saint but still get thrown so much shit. I realise that it doesn’t matter what kind of person you are, good or bad, but the way you react to it. The way you handle it. The way you take it. What you take and learn from it, too.

Every time my bouts of homesickness comes, or when I’ve had a bit too much and I get a breakdown, I question myself if I’m really cut out for this (and it pushes me to the verge of just giving it all up).

At these times I tend to not realise that I’ve been doing exactly this for two whole years already and the only thing different this time round is that extra bit of pressure. And I don’t have the money to pay back everything that’s been paid for if I just quit #brokelife. At these times I tend to think that I’m so incapable compared to my peers and there’s no point of going on if I can’t do well anyway (yeahhhh I’m one of those kiasu ones who die a little inside whenever I get anything lower than 60, sue me). At these times I tend to think “Yeah, there’s no hope for me to do well in this essay”. At these times my motivation’s just at an all time low that I feel so hopeless and helpless.

I quote John Green’s The Fault In Our Stars,

“That’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.”

And I couldn’t agree more. And I guess that explains my previous post. The reason why we tend to overlook our blessings is that when there’s so much shit thrown at us they’re just SCREAMING for our attention. And although we know it does more harm than good, it’s just so much easier to focus on the negatives.

It’s so much easier to look at the bad and take that as a reason to give up and walk away. When that shouldn’t be the case. Most often I do come to my senses and remind myself why I’m here. That there are so many other people dying (not literally…) to be where I am today. That I’m here, to finish what I started. To come up on a stage and get that overpriced, £42,000 piece of paper to officially acknowledge that I’ve gone through so much shit made it. To come out of that hall and be greeted with the warmest smiles from my loved ones who will be beaming with so much pride.

And I know that it will be that day that I realise that everything that I’d gone through to get to that day – the tears, the breakdowns, the bouts of homesickness, the pain, the stress, you name it – it’ll be worth it.

Yeah, it sucks being in pain, but it’s necessary. It sucks feeling lost. It sucks not knowing which way to go, or if you’re doing the right thing. But how would you know if you’ve been found when you don’t know you weren’t lost to begin with, right? Through bad times, I remind myself, “Only with bitterness do you truly get to taste sweetness”. Because really, good days won’t taste as good if you’ve not had the bitterness of bad ones.

Half a year left, who would’ve thought?

Until then, x.

blessings upon blessings

Been a while since I last wrote… Think it’s about time I took a break about writing how shit life’s been and see the good than the bad.

Recently had one of those days when I just went through my old social media posts and it kinda made me reflect on things. I’m not quite sure how far back I exactly went, but I remember coming across my posts about almost three years ago when I was doing my A Levels, and having just sent my university applications.

I’ll be honest and say that since I started my A Level days in 2012, Loughborough was never an option. My mind was set on Manchester because well… The dream was to be there because I’d gone there a few years before and fell in love with the place (though 90% of the reason was football). But predicted grades came through which determined our university choices. If you’re unfamiliar with the UK application system, you’re given 5 choices maximum – ideally, 3 with requirements that are on your grades, and a uni whose requirements are a grade above and under your predicted grades.

Manchester was two grades above, and after much contemplation, I accepted that maybe it wasn’t meant for me and maybe being in the same country was just enough (I can guarantee that this is true, because I’m in my third year and I’ve only gone there once, haha). I remember how tough it was just looking for universities whose requirements matched my predicted grades and are in the Top 50. And quite honestly, after long hours looking through search engines, I finally picked 5.

But I only wanted one.

Sending off the applications was nerve-wrecking, my personal statement was very last minute (I literally had to rewrite it the week before I sent off my application) and like all of my friends and every student hoping to pursue higher education, I feared rejection. Day after day, I hear my friends squeal in joy when they get an offer. Day after day, my friends started getting offers from their first choice uni. I started getting mine too.. Aberdeen.. Keele.. Essex.. Coventry.. But it wasn’t the one that I want.

(In case you haven’t figured it out, Loughborough had already become my first choice then, cause it was the best uni that I applied to…) But of course sports had a role in that too, haha.

So back to my story… I was going through my Path (back then it was like Facebook, Twitter, Foursquare (hahaha) all in one app – before you can share pretty much any form of media on Twitter, etc so it was kind of a big thing then). Anyway, I don’t use it that much anymore so it didn’t take me long to go through my posts. Then I came across this post (screenshot below), dated almost three years ago – pretty sure this was when I had already heard back from four other universities but not Loughborough.

Imagine – not having heard from them and still, they send you emails saying “please pick us!” before they even picked you! But really, this post made me realise how much I’d wanted this place in uni, how quickly it became a dream (wasn’t really sure why, but I’d like to think there’s a good reason for everything!), and how, with prayers and effort, Alhamdulillah, I got what I wanted.

Funny how I look back, almost three years ago, I was desperate to get this place. Fast forward to today, I realise how much I’ve taken this for granted. Fast forward to today, I’m in the exact same university I desperately wanted to be accepted in, more than halfway through my degree already. Fast forward to today, I am only 7 months away from the finish line. And 7 months? It will go by like a breeze.

It’s funny how I can still vividly remember the time when I was skeptically waiting for the offer from this university like it just happened a few weeks ago, when I’ve already been here for more than two years now! Having gone to a school that unhealthily sets your 12/13-year old, first-year-of-secondary-school mind to equate success with studying abroad, I’ve always felt the pressure to give 110%. Throughout the whole time in school, way back from I started Form 1 (or Year 7), I was already dreaming of pursuing higher education abroad. Feels like I’ve just gotten out of school yesterday, when it’s been 5 years since my O Level (GCSE-equivalent) days, and almost 3 for my A Levels. And before I know it? I’ll be stepping out of that hall in university with my graduation cap and robe, with my degree in hand, InshaAllah.

What I’m trying to say is that we are only human. It’s almost second nature to want something so much, that when you have it, it’s easy to take it for granted – especially when things become hard, or when you feel dazed and confused. Being thrown with so much crap in every direction, I can’t deny that I’ve felt so lost for so many times this year. But things are slowly looking brighter. I’d like to think that there’s a reason why I felt like going through my old social media posts when I was feeling down and demotivated. That it was the extra kick I needed to realise how blessed I am to be here, and to remind myself why I’m here. Although not all things are that great now, I’d like to think that it will be, one at a time. Baby steps – slowly but surely.

Quite often, it’s so easy to overlook our blessings when we tend to overthink the negatives. Then again, it’s always so much easier to do the latter because when things get bad, we often think that it can’t get any better so naturally, we block out almost every ounce (if not all) of positivity there is. But Alhamdulillah for where I am today, for the people I have in my life, for being in a place I’ve always dreamed of being in (what became my first choice university, where I’d pursue higher education, etc), for the things I have, for every single thing there is that I can call mine, I truly am and feel blessed.

As for now, it’s counting blessings not misfortunes for me! (At least I’m trying to…)

Until then x

pick-me-up

Taking a break from my project proposal write up simply because I’ve just been aimlessly staring at the Word window before me, not having a single clue on what else to type or what’s worth including, really.

It’s almost 2 in the afternoon, I’m still in bed, still in my jammies, my room reflects my state of mind (a mess),  haven’t left the house for almost three days now and it’s starting to take a toll on me. I’ve been meaning to just go out and hit the gym but I always find myself using it as an excuse to put off my proposal write up (“I’ll start after I come back from the gym,” I tell myself. And I end up doing a million and one things post-gym, none of which are proposal-related) and it’s meant to be in for next week. So really, that’s time off from the gym until I get this done – I’d like to think that it’s a reward like finally being able to go when I’m finished rather than punishing myself by not going because I haven’t been able to finish my proposal. Just to motivate me a little, really.

It’s probably a bout of homesickness mixed together with the work pressure that’s been holding me back. And I give in, every single time. And every single time, I beat myself up for caving in a little bit too easily. Most often I don’t realise that I’m only human, and I break, too. I have my limits and sometimes it doesn’t take much for me to reach it and eventually break down. Sometimes I forget that it’s okay for me to not be okay. That it’s not how quick people are going that matters, it’s how comfortable I should feel with the pace that I’m going. That I can only push myself so hard, but at the end of the day, if it breaks me, I’m allowed to just stop for a few minutes to cry if it means pulling myself together again.

Sometimes I feel like I don’t give myself enough credit, or enough love. And I’m not saying this in a boastful way, but I feel like I focus on putting others first, on putting everyone else’s feelings over mine that I tend to disregard mine. Not trying to be insincere in a way that I expect people to do this for me because I do it for them, because I don’t (think I’ve already talked about this in a previous post), but I really do feel like I focus on others too much, that I sometimes forget myself. And because I’m so used to putting everyone ahead of myself when I actually do the latter, it just feels wrong, and I feel wrong, and then I start feeling all selfish and crappy, and then the waterworks, haha.

Or… it really just comes down to the time I get alone. I’ve been getting a little bit too much of me-time, and it’s a bit difficult to get used to because I’ve never been short of company the last few months being in the UK before I went back over the summer – but I’m slowly trying to get used to it. Slowly trying to not get all sad and nostalgic (it sounds like it’s been way too long (kinda feels like it anyway…) but for lack of a better word, yes, nostalgic) when I walk down the road I used to walk to or going to the places I used to go to in company then, but sort of alone now. Slowly trying to get myself to tone down my overthinking tendencies because it does more harm than good. Slowly trying to get comfortable with my own company, because there’ll be plenty more especially with the work demand this year. But please don’t get me wrong I am not anti-social, I do go out, see people and socialise hahaha.

Back to what I was trying to say… Sometimes my overthinking tendencies just leave me completely demotivated to work or even do anything uni-related, that at one time I just found myself being so desperate for the slightest hint of motivation to get me started. Time and again I fail, without realising that I spend too much time focusing on the ‘bigger picture’ that I forget the little, minute details.

I’ve got a board in my room where I put up pictures, previous concert tickets, some medals that I’ve won the last two years, some cards and little post it notes. And it’s these little post it notes that just gets me every time. I’ll spare you the details, but the things it does to me is nothing short of amazing. I mean, given the sentimental value, I guess it is bound to make me feel that way. Every single time I stop and sigh and feel nothing but gratitude for having something (someone…) that keeps me going. And as cliche as this sounds, someone who believes in me even at times when I’m filled with nothing else but self-doubt. Every single time I hope that whatever ounce of happiness and all things positive I feel, he feels too except a thousand times more because it really is what he truly deserves.

I genuinely do feel like our bad days just seem to cloud our judgments that we often overlook what we already have, who’s there for us, and just how blessed and privileged we are to have the luxury of a support system. Most often you don’t realise how big of an impact they have on you until you’ve hit rock bottom or start feeling completely crappy. Having someone on your back, supporting you through your good days and bad really does help you go that extra mile. There truly is no way to repay them, or to show your gratitude other than praying and hoping for nothing but the good for them.

So, my final year work demand may have been beating me down the past couple of weeks, no doubt this will happen time and again too in the next eight months, but I’ll come out fine. I will be fine because I’m not in this alone. I will make it and in nine months, I will graduate. For you, and with you.

There, over 1000 words. If only I could do this with my project proposal…

Which I will get back to, I promise!

Also – three posts in three weeks? I really am outdoing myself, haha. 

Until then x